My Child is Gay...What Do I Do Now?

Understanding Your Gay Teen

Video: Gay Sons and Their Moms

Common Fears and How to be Supportive

Cher Talks About Her Trans Son Chaz

Info: LGBTQ Kids

Rules for Helping Gay Kids Be Themselves

Gay Family Support

My Parents Think I'm Gay, But I Am Not

Celebrities Who Have LGBTQ Children

Advocate Mag: Tips for Parents of LGBTQ Children


Parents of LGBTQ Children


Parenting gay children can be challenging, rewarding and ultimately life changing. The level of acceptance of sexual orientation and gender identity by fathers and mothers can detract from or expand a child's healthy growth and development in countless ways. Too many of our LGBTQ youth face emotional isolation, rejection, and complete withdrawal from parents that lead many to depression, drugs and alcohol and even homelessness.

Hearing the words "Mom, Dad, I think I am gay" can be life changing for many parents. Within an instant of hearing these words, their preconceived image, dreams and future expectations of their child are dramatically reshaped. Parents can choose to be supportive (this is still the same child they have always loved) and they can grow with their children as they venture into lives with LGBTQ relationships.


All too often, young people look to parents to be their ultimate support, but, unfortunately, parents cannot overcome the hurdles of prejudice. Ultimately, many mothers and fathers distance, alienate and disown their children because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Some young people would choose isolation or death rather than disclose to their parents, while others feel they are the only people they can turn to. The level of trust is immense as a child who has inwardly struggled with sexual orientation or gender identity decides to confide in his or her parents.

Clearly, parental responses to a child's gay disclosure can range along a continuum from complete rejection to extreme activism. Points on this continuum vary, grow and evolve as the nature of the relationship and deeper understandings emerge. Parental alienation can reinforce self-hatred, isolation and suicidal ideation.  Indeed, parental rejection can be life threatening.


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TED Talk: My Family and My Gay Son

Parents' Response is Key to Health of Gay Youth

Info: LGBTQ Youth

My Two Sons Came Out as Gay

Talking to Your Gay Son About Anti-Gay Violence

Don't Sneak: Father's Advice to Gay Son
My Parents Think I'm Gay, But I Am Not

Advocate Mag: Tips for Parents of LGBTQ Children

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Tips for Parents

Engage with your child. Your LGBTQ child requires and deserves the same level of care, respect, information, and support as non-LGBTQ children. Ask questions, listen, empathize, share and just be there for your child.

Get informed. Get the facts about sexual orientation and gender identity. Learn new language and the correct terminology to communicate effectively about sexual orientation and gender identity. Challenge yourself to learn and to go beyond stereotyped images of LGBTQ people.


Get to know the community. What resources are available? Find out if there is a Gay/Straight Alliance at school, a community group for LGBTQ and questioning teens, a bookstore with a selection of books and magazines on LGBTQ issues, or a LGBTQ community center nearby.

Explore the Internet. There is a growing amount of excellent information on-line that connects people with support and materials on these important topics.

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Find out where your local PFLAG group meets. Many parents say that their connections with other parents of LGBTQ kids made a world of difference in their progress toward understanding their young people. Finding another person you can trust to share your experience with is invaluable. Many people have gone through similar things and their support, lessons learned, and empathy can be very valuable.


Don't make it about sex. Just because your child has come out as LGBTQ does not mean the young person's whole world revolves around sex or sexual orientation or gender identity. It will be a big part of who the youth is, especially during the process of figuring it all out, including what it means to be LGBTQ. Still, being LGBTQ isn't the sum of life for your child, and it is vital to encourage your child in other aspects of life, such as school, sports, hobbies, friends, and part-time jobs.


Honor your child's privacy.  Do not "out" him or her to others without his or her permission. Friends and family members might have questions or want to know what's up. But it is most important to be respectful of what your child wants. Don't betray your child's trust.

Praise your LGBTQ child for coming to you to discuss this issue. Encourage him or her to continue to confide in you and keep you "in the know." If your child turns to you to share personal information, you're must be doing something right.  Your child regards you as accessible and approachable. You're sending out consistent verbal and non-verbal cues that say, "Yes, I'll listen. Please talk to me!" Give yourself some credit. Your LGBTQ child chose to come out to you. Congratulations!


Find out what kind of support services are in place at your child's school. Does the school or school district have a non-discrimination policy? Is a there an LGBTQ support group? Do you know any "out" people, or their friends and loved ones, to whom you can turn for information?

Educate yourself on local, state and national laws and polices regarding LGBTQ people. On the national level, LGBTQ people are still second-class citizens in regard to some national policies and their rights are not guaranteed by law. Consider educating yourself about this and finding out what you can do to work toward extending equal rights to LGBTQ people in the United States.


Jaden Smith

Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are known for their outstanding acting and music careers, but they’re also recognized for having one of the most hands-off, laid-back parenting styles for their kids, Jaden and Willow. Will speaks openly about his approach to parenting and the way he and his wife Jada consciously encourage their kids' freedom of expression.


Many movie-goers may remember that Will and Jaden were the father and son team in "Pursuit of Happyness." That adorable little boy is all grown up now. He turned 21 in 2019.

Jaden’s gender-fluid style has been the subject of public discussion as he started wearing dresses when he was 17 years old and was named the new face of Louis Vuitton’s womenswear campaign. “You know, there’s a really powerful internal quality as an artist that as parents we encourage,” Smith said. “You gotta get out on the edge, you have to try things, you have to be comfortable doing things that people don’t agree with and you have to be comfortable doing things that you could fail.” Will added, “Jaden is 100 percent fearless, he will do anything. So as a parent it’s scary, it’s really terrifying, but he is completely willing to live and die by his own artistic decisions and he just doesn’t concern himself with what people think.”

The “Fresh Prince” star opened up about what it was like for he an Jada to raise teenagers. “Because we’re both artists, we decided a long time ago that it’s sort of better to flow with what people are naturally more than what our egos need them to be,” Smith said. “So we really just try to find the things that they’re good at and support those things rather than forcing them.“ It seems the “flow” strategy (and famous lack of punishment) in the house is working out for Willow and Jaden.

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Jaden Smith Opens Up About Being Gender Fluid

Father and Son: Will and Jaden on Ellen Show

Willow Smith Praises Brother Jaden for Challenging Gender Stereotypes

Will and Jaden: Pursuit of Happyness

Jaden Smith: Adventures in Gender Fluidity

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Resources for Parents

This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life by Dannielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo
Is It a Choice?: Answers to 300 of the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gay and Lesbian People by Eric Marcus
Always My Child: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning Son or Daughter by Kevin Jennings
Out of the Closet, Into Our Hearts by Laura Siegel and Nancy Lamkin Olson
Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences
Carolyn Welch Griffen

Now That You Know: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children by Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward
Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Lesbian or Gay Child by Michael C. LaSala

Side by Side: On Having a Gay or Lesbian Sibling by Andrew R. Gottlieb
Love, Ellen: A Mother/Daughter Journey by Betty Degeneres
My Child Is Gay: How Parents React When They Hear the News by Bryce McDougall
Something to Tell You by Gilbert Herdt and Bruce Koff
Straight Parents, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together by Robert A. Bernstein, Robert MacNeil and Betty DeGeneres
Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents by Irwin Krieger
Different Daughters: A Book by Mothers of Lesbians by Louise Rafkin
My Son Eric: A Mother Struggles to Accept Her Gay Son and Discovers Herself by Mary V. Borhek and Christine M. Smith
Finding Out: The ABC’s of Same Sex Relationships by Homer and Sue Spencer
The Family Heart: A Memoir of When Our Son Came Out by Robb Forman Dew
Prayers for Bobby: A Mother’s Coming to Terms With the Suicide of Her Gay Son  by Leroy Aarons


Out Smart Mag: Parents of Gay Kids

Advocate Mag: Tips for Parents of LGBTQ Children

Book Riot: Books for Parents of LGBTQ Kids

Celebrities Who Have LGBTQ Children

Advocate Mag: Tips for Parents of Gay Kids

Video: Message to Parents From LGBTQ Teens

PFLAG: Coming Out Books

My Kid is Gay: List of Resources for Parents

TED Talk: My Family and My Gay Son

Info: LGBTQ Siblings

List of Books for Parents of Sexual Minority Youth

Advocates for LGBTQ Youth: Tips for Parents

Johns Hopkins: Tips for Parents of LGBTQ Youth

CDC: Resources for LGBTQ Youth




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