Queer Cafe

LGBTQ People Share Advice They'd Give Themselves Before Coming Out
Celebrating LGBTQ Pride in the Closet

Ellen Staffers: Coming Out Stories

Former Disney Stars Who Have Come Out As LGBTQ
That's Just the Way I Am

The Coming Out Process

I came out to my sister in a moment of anger. It started a domino effect. I was tired of living a lie."
-Stephen Lewis

The term “coming out” refers to the life-long process in developing a positive identity as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person. It is not something that just happens one day. It is an ongoing process of several steps. First, the person must accept him/herself, and be somewhat comfortable with the fact he/she is gay. Next, the person usually tells his/her closest friend or group of friends to “test” how comfortable they might be with disclosure. Another step is when the person might find a partner or start dating someone. Then come the most difficult step, in many cases, when the person decides to tell his/her parents, other family members, or employer.

This process is very long and difficult struggle for many people since they have to confront many opposing ideas and homophobic attitudes. Many people first need to struggle with misinformation and stereotypes that are taught them while growing up. Before someone can feel good about who he/she is, the person will need to challenge his/her own attitudes and move from wherever the person is on the homophobic continuum, which might include feelings of repulsion, pity, and/or tolerance, to feelings of appreciation and admiration. After many years of painful work to develop a positive identity and attitude, many will then decided whom to tell that they are gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender.

“I was just done. It’s so toxic to just be hiding. It becomes so consuming without you even knowing it’s consuming you. You become so complacent in this reality you create. It’s like a bucket, and it’s filling up and filing up and filling up – and finally it just spills over. And I felt guilty for not being out for the LGBTQ community. I was like, Dude, just say you’re gay. For me, it was a great opportunity to be honest, to share certain elements of the pain that I went through. The reality is, there are very few young people out as actors, so I was hoping to speak to a lot of the issues so it wouldn’t just seem like, Hey, look, I’m gay."

-Ellen Page, Actor

"I’ve come to realize it is better, both for me and for the people I care about, including my fans, to live life authentically than to live a life never accepting who I truly am."
-Shinjiro Atae , Japanese Pop Star

LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily
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Brian McNaught: What It's Like to Be in the Closet

Ellen DeGeneres: Crash Course in Coming Out

Coming Out to My Mormon Parents

Advocate Mag: Tips for Coming Out to Your Parents

Dairy Farmer's Advice to His Gay Son

Unexpected Reason Coming Out is Hard

Coming Out: Living Authentically

Coming Out Comments

"Coming out isn't something you do once. It's a decision that we make every single day of our lives. Whether it's for the first time ever or the first time today, coming out can be a challenging journey, but it's also a brave decision to live authentically."
-Joni Madison, interim president of Human Rights Campaign

Being "In the Closet" has been described as "hiding your true self," "denying your real identity," and "suppressing your authenticity." To be closeted about your sexual orientation is to restrain yourself from revealing an important aspect of your nature.

What does it feel like to be closeted? It has been described as "exhausting," "stressful," "a fulltime job," and "keeping yourself in check at all times." It takes a lot of time and energy to constantly hide certain aspects of your self. Here are some collected comments:

"When I was fully in the closet, I always felt the need to make sure there was no possible way no one would ever find out. That's why I'm happy I came out, even if it's just a few people."

“It's a very exhausting task. The majority of my family is aware of it (with the exception of distant relatives), all of my friends, and one or two of my co-workers. It's not a problem if people find out, or come to terms with knowing. I tell who I want to tell, and I don't tell who I don't want to tell.”

“Holding onto shame takes a lot of energy. And being in the closet is about being in shame; not loving ourselves and not believing that others will love us, or allow us to be part of their lives. It takes a lot of energy to maintain a counterfeit persona, to fit in when you aren't being authentic. It's a lot easier being who you really are.”

Ricky Martin Reflects on His Decision to Come Out Publicly as Gay

George Takei Says He Felt Guilty for Staying in the Closet as Long as He Did

Jason Mraz: Finding New Acceptance for His Sexuality During His Divorce

Moving Beyond Coming Out and Begin Inviting In

DotGay Dictionary: What Does Coming Out Mean?
Ellen DeGeneres: It's Scary to Say I'm Gay Out Loud

Sally Fields' Son Talks About Coming Out

100 Different Ways to Come Out

What Not to Say When Your Child Comes Out as Transgender

Television: Best Coming Out Scenes

LGBTQ People Share Advice They'd Give Themselves Before Coming Out

"People don't actually come out. They let you in."

-Harvey Guillen

“I feel like I am constantly watching my behavior around others. For some reason I'm not comfortable telling anyone I know just yet.”

“Every day is literally a struggle and I feel like I'm being held back by being in the closet.”

“It does eat away at you consistently. You don't really realize how much time and energy you spend trying to hide yourself on a daily basis until you retrospectively look at it once you've come out. Now that I’m out, I'm not trying to hide it I feel a lot better.”

“Being in the closet definitely feels like being in a full time job. It's because we're all reflecting on something that we think might not be taken in a positive light or be mocked or even worse, yet a lot of people now will be supportive for the most part. Then there's trying to not give away any clues that may be a bit suspicious to everyone else. It's also such a major personal thing that is rather sensitive at the same time, so that doesn't help.”

“Being in the closet is a full time job. It's exhausting sometimes. I just wish I could let myself relax and let my guard down about it, but I can't.”

“I feel that I have to watch every word I say, or where my eyes wander to. But right now in middle school kids are jerks about that kinda stuff, so I am waiting until High School until I tell anyone outside of my family.”

“I have to watch what I’m saying and doing constantly. It’s so stressful.”

“At home, I have to constantly be careful with my internet browser, especially since I have nosy siblings always in my space. And then when people talk about their significant others, I have to try to sidestep the question as to not bring attention to myself. Also, having to hear people's annoying gay jokes is frustrating because then I have to pretend that I don't care or people will get suspicious.”

NY Times: Anderson Cooper's Coming Out Story

Coming Out Video: Alone Among Many

After You Come Out: LGBTQ Starter Kit

LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily
Ellen Staffers: Coming Out Stories

Valuable Lessons We Learned From Coming Out

Elle Mills: My Coming Out Story

Television: Best Coming Out Scenes

Ellen Page: Why Being in the Closet is Toxic

Ricky Martin on Coming Out to the World

Eduardo Sanchez-Ubanell: My Coming Out Story

Lipstick: Coming Out Story

Cami Petyn: Yup, I'm Gay

Why Is It Important to Come Out?

Why do you always hear that it’s important to come out? The reason is that it is very hard to love yourself fully when you hide. And it’s very hard to love others when you don’t love yourself. Therefore, the closet is lonely. No one loves you there.

Authenticity is the foundation of all closeness. If we want better relationships we must keep learning how to be more authentic. And all of us want better relationships.

There's a reason why they call the marches and celebrations “Pride.” It is the opposite of shame. Shame contributes to what keeps us feeling separate from others and ourselves.

Coming out does take bravery. But without bravery we'd still be huddling in windowless bars, running from police, and marrying people we weren’t attracted to.

Once you have secured your economic and physical safety, I urge you to get support for the step-by-step process of coming out. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health and relationships. Books, good gay friends, and gay-affirmative therapists can help you with this.

[Source: Adam Blum, Gay Therapy Center]

Celebrity Coming Out Stories

Jason Collins/Basketball Player
George Takei/Actor
Adam Lambert/Musician
Laverne Cox/Actor
Janet Mock/Magazine Editor
Rosie O'Donnell/Actor, Comedian
Tim Gunn/Designer
Ian McKellen/Actor

Jane Lynch/Actor
Raven Simone/Actor
RuPaul/Entertainer
Portia DeRossi/Actor
Wanda Sykes/Comedian
Nate Berkus/Designer
Candis Cayne/Actor
Andrew Rannells/Actor

Coming Out Model

The Cass Model (Vivian Cass, 1984) is one of the more well-known and widely used models for coming out and LGB identity development. It is very common for individuals to move from one stage to another out of the listed order or even be in more than one stage depending on the situation. Individuals often move back and forth between stages and are sometimes at a midway point between stages. The model should be thought of more as a continuum that people can move about freely. It should also be noted that the primary participants in Cass’ original study were white gay men. Thus, this model should not be assumed to be equally applicable to gay and lesbian people of color, bisexual or transgender people, and women.

1. Identity Confusion: "Could I be gay?" Person is beginning to wonder if "homosexuality" is personally relevant. Denial and confusion is experienced.

Task: Who am I? - Accept, Deny, Reject.

Possible Responses: Will avoid information about lesbians and gays; inhibit behavior; deny homosexuality ("experimenting," "an accident," "just drunk"). Males: May keep emotional involvement separate from sexual contact; Females: May have deep relationships that are non-sexual, though strongly emotional.

Possible Needs: Exploration of internal positive and negative judgments. To be uncertain regarding sexual identity. May find support in knowing that sexual behavior occurs along a spectrum. Permission and encouragement to explore sexual identity as a normal experience (like career identity, and social identity)

These Stars Came Out In 2023
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Ian McKellan Says Coming Out Was The Best Decision He's Ever Made
I'm Coming Out: Song by Diana Ross
George Takei Says He Felt Guilty for Staying in the Closet as Long as He Did
Lil Nas X Answers Kids' Questions About Coming Out

Demi Lovato: Discovering the Depth of Her Queerness

Ricky Martin Reflects on His Decision to Come Out Publicly as Gay

Barry Manilow Explains Why He Waited Almost 40 Years to Come Out as Gay

Addison Rose Vincent: Personal Reflection on Coming Out

Adam Rippon: Coming Out and Gaining a Family

2. Identity Comparison: "Maybe this does apply to me." Will accept the possibility that he/she may be gay. Self-alienation becomes isolation.

Task: Deal with social alienation.

Possible Responses: Begins to grieve for losses he/she may experience by embracing their sexual orientation. May compartmentalize own sexuality. Accepts lesbian, gay definition of behavior but maintains "heterosexual" identity of self. Tells oneself, “I'm just in love with this particular woman/man," etc.

Possible Needs: Important that the person develops own definitions. Will need information about sexual identity, LGB community resources, encouragement to talk about loss of heterosexual life expectations. May need to keep some "heterosexual" identity (it is not an all or none issue).

Accepting Yourself: Being Gay is Not Easy

Steven Universe: Everyone is Gay!

LGBTQ People Share Advice They'd Give Themselves Before Coming Out

Video Short: Coming Out of the Closet

Ellen DeGeneres: Crash Course in Coming Out

TED Talk: Why We Need Another Coming Out Story

100 Different Ways to Come Out

Celebrating LGBTQ Pride in the Closet

Coming Out Video: I Told Them I'm Transgender

My Two Sons Came Out as Gay

Ellen Staffers: Coming Out Stories

3. Identity Tolerance: "I'm not the only one." Accepts the probability of being homosexual and recognizes sexual, social, emotional needs that go with being lesbian and gay. Increased commitment to being lesbian or gay.

Task: Decrease social alienation by seeking out lesbians and gays.

Possible Responses: Beginning to have language to talk and think about the issue. Accentuates difference between self and heterosexuals. Seeks out lesbian and gay culture (positive contact leads to more positive sense of self, negative contact leads to devaluation of the culture). May try out variety of stereotypical roles.

Possible Needs: Be supported in exploring own shame feelings derived from heterosexism, as well as external heterosexism. Receive support in finding positive lesbian, gay community connections. It is

particularly important for the person to know community resources.

4. Identity Acceptance: "I will be okay." Accepts, rather than tolerates, gay or lesbian self-image. There is continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture.

Task: Deal with idea of no longer subscribing to society's norm. Congruence between private and public self.

Possible Responses: Accepts gay or lesbian self identification. May compartmentalize "gay life." Maintains less and less contact with heterosexual community. Attempts to "fit in" within the gay and lesbian community. Begins some selective disclosures of sexual identity. More social coming out; more comfortable being seen with groups of men or women that are identified as "gay." More realistic evaluation of situation.

Possible Needs: Continue exploring loss of heterosexual life expectations. Continue exploring internalized "homophobia." Find support in making decisions about where, when, and to whom he/she self-discloses.

Ellen DeGeneres: It's Scary to Say I'm Gay Out Loud

Jason Mraz: Finding New Acceptance for His Sexuality During His Divorce

Lance Bass on the Challenges of Coming Out

How to Respond When Someone Comes Out to You

LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily
Video Short: Coming Out of the Closet

Barry Manilow Explains Why He Waited Almost 40 Years to Come Out as Gay

Science: Coming Out of the Closet is Good for Your Health

Elle Mills: My Coming Out Story

Sally Fields' Son Talks About Coming Out

Coming Out Video: Finding Joy in Difference

Taylor Phillips: My Coming Out Story

Steven Universe: Everyone is Gay!

Ricky Martin on Coming Out to the World

5. Identity Pride: "I've got to let people know who I am!" Immerses self in gay and lesbian culture. Less and less involvement with heterosexual community. Us vs. Them quality to political/social viewpoint.

Task: Deal with incongruent views of heterosexuals.

Possible Responses: Splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad). Experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as he/she is less willing to "blend in." Identifies gay culture as sole source of support.

Possible Needs: Receive support for exploring anger issues. Find support for exploring issues of heterosexism. Develop skills for coping with responses to disclosure of sexual. Resist being defensive.

6. Identity Synthesis: Develops holistic view of self. Defines self in more than just terms of sexual orientation.

Task: Integrate gay and lesbian identity so that instead of being the identity, it is on aspect of self.

Possible Responses: Continues to be angry at heterosexism, but with decreased intensity. Allows trust of others to increase and build. Gay and lesbian identity is integrated with all aspects of "self." Feels all right to move out into the community and not simply define space according to sexual orientation.

[Source: Vivian Cass, Homosexual Identity Development, 1979 and Susan Young, SIUC, 1995]

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12 People Who Need to Know You're Gay

Reaction All Parents Should Have When Their Child Comes Out

Stages of Coming Out

LGBTQ People Share Advice They'd Give Themselves Before Coming Out

Daniel Beckman: My Coming Out Story

Coming Out: Parents Guide to Supporting Your Gay Teen

Ellen DeGeneres: Crash Course in Coming Out

Accepting Yourself: Being Gay is Not Easy

Lipstick: Coming Out Story

Video Short: Coming Out of the Closet

I'm Coming Out

I'm coming out, I want the world to know, Got to let it show
There's a new me coming out, And I just have to live
And I wanna give, I'm completely positive
I think this time around, I am gonna do it, Like you never knew it, Oh I'll make it through
The time has come for me, To break out of the shell, I have to shout, I'm coming out

I've got to show the world, All that I wanna be, And all my abilities
There's so much more to me, Somehow I'll have to make them
Just understand, I got it well in hand, And oh how I've planned
I'm spreading love, There is no need to fear, And I just feel so good, Every time I hear

I'm coming out, I want the world to know, Got to let it show

[Source: Song by Diana Ross]

Celebrating LGBTQ Pride in the Closet

Coming Out to My Mormon Parents

What Not to Say When Your Child Comes Out as Transgender

Coming Out Video: Gaining Confidence From God

LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily

Alexander Jimenez: My Coming Out Story

Jackson Bird: Time is an Amazing Healer

Preparing Yourself to Come Out

Have a serious talk with yourself. Clarify specifically what you hope will happen as a result of disclosure and what you expect will really happen. Without a clear purpose, your presentation of self may be a scary and risky experience without an attainable objective.

Select the particular person or persons to whom you wish to disclose. Tell the person(s) that you want to share something important, that you want to have a serious personal conversation. Although you cannot make someone ready to hear what you have to say, you can create a situation in which the other person feels ready for a serious personal conversation.

Select a time and a place. Avoid situations that may result in a lack of time or privacy. Neither you nor the other person can interact honestly and fully if he or she does not feel there is enough situational privacy. Coming out is a continuing process, not a hit and run bombing mission or something done well in a crowded public place.

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Coming Out as an LGBTQ Person: What is it Like?
LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily
Wikipedia: Coming Out

LGBTQ Celebrities Who Came Out in 2020

Lesbian Coming Out at 40

Lance Bass on the Challenges of Coming Out

How to Respond When Someone Comes Out to You

Keep your disclosure clean. That is, don’t clutter it up with attempts to punish, cause guilt or gain sympathy. Talk about yourself, your feelings and your experiences. Stay with “I” statements. Being LGBTQ is no one’s fault. What you as a person decide to do with your LGBTQ identity is your responsibility.

Allow time for surprise reactions. It is doubtful that you came into self-acceptance overnight. Asking that another accept and appreciate you faster than you have learned to appreciate yourself is self-defeating.

Be ready to clearly identify learning resources that are available to the person. For example, books, films, magazine articles, journals, counselors etc. As your learning has taken time and energy, the “significant other” will need time to digest your disclosure and ingest a new understanding.

An important step, certainly not the last priority, is the setting up of a LGBTQ support system. Participating in a gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender support group can help prepare you for disclosure to significant others in your life. It can also provide you with support and understanding during and after the disclosure. If this type of group is not available to you, having supportive friends, teachers, relatives, etc. is also a good source of support for the coming out process.

Coming out in our society is an endless process and being proud of being LGBTQ requires constant affirmation of self.

Brian McNaught: What It's Like to Be in the Closet

Carl Cunard: My Coming Out Story

All Things Queer: Coming Out Stories

Advocate Mag: Tips for Coming Out to Your Parents

Valuable Lessons We Learned From Coming Out

Coming Out Video: I Told Them I'm Transgender

Science: Coming Out of the Closet is Good for Your Health
Brian McNaught: What It's Like to Be in the Closet

Reasons Why You Must Come Out of the Closet

--Keeping something so important a secret is bad for you.
--Coming out empowers those who can't
--In a world filled with anti-LGBTQ leaders pushing for anti-LGBTQ policies, coming out is a political act
--Dating becomes a lot easier
--Your sex life becomes a lot easier
--Coming out respects the hard work done by LGBTQ activists who came before you
--Coming out gives you the most honest picture of life
--It's important to push yourself to do difficult things
--Coming out is the first step to appreciating your cultural inheritance
--Coming out will reveal your allies
--When you come out, your fellow LGBTQ people will become less terrifying in your mind
--Coming out means you get to tell your story

[Source: Alexander Cheves, Advocate]

All Things Queer: Coming Out Stories

Coming Out Again and Again

Coming Out Video: A Cadet With Questions

LGBTQ People Share Advice They'd Give Themselves Before Coming Out

Jason Mraz: Finding New Acceptance for His Sexuality During His Divorce

My Coming Out Story + Advice

Steven Universe: Everyone is Gay!

Coming Out to Your Parents

Are you sure about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity? Don’t raise the issue unless you’re able to respond with confidence to the question “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part will increase your parents’ confusion and decrease their confidence in your conclusions. If you do decide to come out before you are certain, you may have your parents’ support in your period of confusion, but you may also have pressure and their homophobia to contend with.

Are you comfortable with your sexual orientation and/or gender identity? If you’re wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you may be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.

Do you have support? In the event that your parents’ reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.

Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality and gender issues? Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you’ve done some serious reading on the subject, you’ll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.

Television: Best Coming Out Scenes

TED Talk: Why We Need Another Coming Out Story

NY Times: Anderson Cooper's Coming Out Story

Accepting Yourself: Being Gay is Not Easy

Coming Out Video: Alone Among Many

TED Talk: Upside of Disclosing Your Sexual Identity

What’s the emotional climate at home? If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they’re not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery, or the loss of a job.

Can you be patient? Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven’t considered it prior to your sharing.

What’s your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.

Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. It can help to have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG), the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.

All Things Queer: Coming Out Stories

Travis Bryant: My Coming Out Story

Coming Out Again and Again

Talking to Kids About Coming Out

My Two Sons Came Out as Gay

Coming Out Video: A Cadet With Questions
Celebrating LGBTQ Pride in the Closet

My Coming Out Story + Advice

Are you financially dependent on your parents? If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you should consider how to best manage the possible consequences of coming out.

What is your general relationship with your parents? If you’ve gotten along well and have always known their love and shared your love for them in return then it is more likely they’ll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.

What is their moral/societal view? Take into consideration what your parents generally believe is morally and socially acceptable when deciding whether or not they will be accepting of your sexuality.

Is this your decision? Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don’t be pressured into it if you’re not sure you’ll be better off by doing so.

Wikipedia: Coming Out

Ellen DeGeneres: It's Scary to Say I'm Gay Out Loud

Best Coming Out Scene

Coming Out Video: Finding Joy in Difference

My Two Sons Came Out as Gay

Advocate Mag: Tips for Coming Out to Your Parents

100 Different Ways to Come Out

The Importance of Coming Out

Since immersing myself in the gay community, I have encountered significant controversy regarding coming out. For some, it is a wickedly brave performance of self-love and acceptance. For others, it seems to further separate the queer community from the straight community After all, straight people don't have to come out. Personally, my coming out experience was perhaps the most celebratory and rewarding day of my life. It encapsulated my confidence in accepting myself as gay, and thrusted me into a new and open chapter of my life -- one which I still happily live in today! For years I have merely listened to the debate, always keeping my mouth shut. But now's the time for me to break that seal of silence and give my two cents on why all queer folk should come out.

You're not yourself when you're in the closet. It's simple. You're not your entire self when you're in the closet. Regardless of how you define yourself, our sexuality is a major aspect of our life. It affects family, friends and surrounding conversation. Being in the closet fuels white lies. You're constantly making up excuses or stories. Maybe you're even acting differently just to ward off suspicion. Nonetheless, no matter how much you try to convince yourself, you cannot be your true self until you're out of the closet.

TED Talk: Upside of Disclosing Your Sexual Identity

Why is it Still so Difficult to be Out and Proud?

Stages of Coming Out

TED Talk: Why We Need Another Coming Out Story

Coming Out: Parents Guide to Supporting Your Gay Teen

Coming out is invigorating. Coming out makes you stronger. Because think about it, the level of confidence you must attain before making the big step is incredible. It's like climbing a mountain, however there is no peak -- only a plateau. Once you come out, that confidence doesn't go away. In fact, it will be applied to all aspects of your life -- not just your sexuality. You will be more confident at work, in school or wherever life may take you.

You'll inspire other people. I remember why I came out. It was senior year of high school and some kid had just come out -- like not even a month before I did. He did it on Facebook. I remember reading through the comments and being blown away by positivity, love and support. I was jealous, and I was ready. Coming from a relatively accepting community, I knew it would go well, especially because I'd be following in someone's footsteps. So, I took the leap and reaped countless rewards. Since then, I have received many messages on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter seeking advice. Every once in a while I get to help someone in need -- just like the kid at the high school did for me. I got to be a role model.

Those are only three of the countless reasons to come out -- but to me, they are the most important. Coming out allows you to be yourself, while giving you an incredible newfound confidence. But most importantly, coming out contributes to a chain reaction. Your coming out story may inspire someone just embarking on their journey of self love and acceptance. And if you're to stay in the closet, others are just going to follow in those footsteps. Be out. Be proud. And be yourself.

[Source: Cole Vincent, Miami University, Odyssey, June 2016]

Why is it Still so Difficult to be Out and Proud?
Accepting Yourself: Being Gay is Not Easy

NY Times: Anderson Cooper's Coming Out Story

Coming Out Video: Alone Among Many

That's Just the Way I Am

Valuable Lessons We Learned From Coming Out

Coming Out Video: I Told Them I'm Transgender

How Coming Out Can Change Your Life

Coming out of the closet has risks and benefits. What's your best decision?

Imagine living in a closet. I would think it feels lonely, there is little freedom to move around, and the chances of meeting someone you can share your life with becomes much less likely, unless they open the door. The term “coming out of the closet” is very apropos in that the real life experience of those living in the closet is stifling. We all know (and don’t know) people who live in constant fear of being tagged as gay. Professionals who are competent and normally in control of their lives can become shaken and insecure if they give away personal information that could lead someone to conclude they are gay.

I have worked with individuals who not only hid their sexuality at work, they also felt they were not able to disclose their true selves at home. Imagine how difficult it would be for you to feel so isolated. Depression and anxiety are huge problems in the LGBTQ community. Living a life where you feel that no one truly knows you is devastating. A 2011 study conducted by Social Psychology and Personality Science concluded that coming out creates a much healthier mental environment if it happens in a supportive setting. Living the life you were meant to live openly and authentically is always ideal. It will increase your sense of self-worth and decrease stress. Unfortunately for those who live in hostile environments, coming out might make life even more difficult.

LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily
Coming Out Again and Again

Elle Mills: My Coming Out Story

Coming Out Video: A Cadet With Questions

So the question for each individual has to be, “Who am I safe to come out to and when?” The majority of gay people may not be out in every part of their lives. If one is not protected in their professional lives, they may choose to be closeted at work but live a life outside of work that includes a support system and community of like-minded people. Some, on the other hand, may live in a very conservative environment but have a co-worker they trust and feel comfortable with. It’s important for everyone to feel like part of a community. Finding even one person with whom you can feel safe will increase your chances of living longer and being happy.

Fortunately, in many parts of the country laws protecting LGBTQ people are finally being passed. Teachers who have been teaching for years and have been in a committed same-sex relationship can now (in some states) become more comfortable about sharing information with their colleagues and the parents of their students. The problem is that for many it’s very difficult to live in the closet most of their adult lives and then easily step out into a life of being open about disclosing who they are. At that point it’s all about changing their internal dialogue and shedding the years of both internal and external homophobia.

Coming out is a deeply personal decision and the experience is as unique as every individual experiencing it. Living in isolation and fear is a terrible burden for anyone to bear. Seek out support you need. Work through the obstacles and fears in your life that keep you from taking whatever action you can in walking out of that closet and closing the door.

[Source: Denise LaFrance, Your Tango]

Coming Out at Work

LGBTQ Guide to Coming Out Safely and Happily
Ellen DeGeneres - Crash Course in Coming Out

12 People Who Need to Know You're Gay

Video Short: Coming Out of the Closet

Reaction All Parents Should Have When Their Child Comes Out

Jacob Campbell: My Coming Out Story

That's Just the Way I Am

When Someone Comes Out to You

What is someone comes out to you? How should you respond?

Don’t judge. Regardless of your own personal or moral belief about LGBTQ people, keep in mind that the person has made himself/herself vulnerable. Simply listen to the person.

Acknowledge them. Let them know that you heard what they said and ask open-ended questions to show that you are interested and care.

Recognize the trust. If someone voluntarily comes out to you he/she is putting a lot of trust in you and has used a lot of courage. It can be good to acknowledge that courage and trust.

Wikipedia: Coming Out

LGBTQ People Share Advice They'd Give Themselves Before Coming Out

Cami Petyn: Yup, I'm Gay