Queer Cafe

TED Talk: Parenting a Gender Non-Conforming Child
PBS Video: Pink for Boys? Blue for Girls?

Mermaids: Support for Gender Diverse Kids

There are still many myths about sexual orientation. Families and providers often believe that young people have to be adults before they can know they are gay. Many assume that being gay is a “phase” that youth will grow out of as they get older. Some think that teens may decide to be gay if they have a gay friend, read about homosexuality, or hear about gay people from others. These myths are very common and they are also incorrect. Today, adolescents have much wider access to accurate information about sexual orientation and increasing information about gender identity. Accurate information helps them understand feelings they have had since childhood. And a wide range of services for LGBTQ youth helps many find peer and community support.

Adolescents in the research for the Family Acceptance Project (FAP) said they were attracted to another person of the same gender at about age 10. Some knew they were gay at age 7 or 9. Overall, they identified as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, on average, at age 13.4. Their families learned about their identity about a year later. Research on supporting both children’s gender identity and transgender adolescents is very limited. Most providers have had little training or guidance on how to support children who feel like their inner sense of being male or female does not match their physical body. Children develop gender identity (a deep sense of being male or female) at early ages. They express clear gender choices for clothes, toys, and personal items. And they begin to express gender identity at about ages 2-3.

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Children and adolescents who do not look or behave the way that girls and boys are expected to behave by their families and by society are often ridiculed by others. Their behavior may also be called gender variant or gender non-conforming. Many parents are ashamed or embarrassed by their children’s gender non-conforming behavior. They often fear that these children will be hurt by others. And they need education and accurate information to support their child’s emerging gender identity. Adolescents who are gender non-conforming or who identify as transgender also have more access to information about gender expression and identity through LGBTQ community groups and online resources. Such groups and resources help them understand their gender identity at younger ages than older transgender adults who typically came out as adults. Adolescents in the FAP research who identify as transgender came out as transgender, on average, at age 16.

[Source: Family Acceptance Project Research]

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Impact of Family Reactions on LGBTQ Children

Until recently, little was known about how families react when an LGBTQ young person comes out during adolescence. And even less was known about how family reactions affect an LGBTQ adolescent’s health and mental health. Groundbreaking new research from FAP shows that families and caregivers have a major impact on their LGBTQ children’s risk and well-being. FAP researchers identified more than 100 behaviors that families and caregivers use to react to their LGBTQ children’s identity. About half of these behaviors are accepting and half are rejecting. FAP researchers measured each of these behaviors to show how family reactions affect an LGBTQ young person’s risk and well-being.

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Conflict and Rejection

FAP researchers found that families who are conflicted about their children’s LGBTQ identity believe that the best way to help their children survive and thrive in the world is to help them fit in with their heterosexual peers. So when these families block access to their child’s gay friends or LGBTQ resources, they are acting out of care and concern. They believe their actions will help their gay or transgender child have a good life. But adolescents who feel like their parents want to change who they are think their parents don’t love them or even hate them. Lack of communication and misunderstanding between parents and their LGBTQ children increases family conflict. These problems with communication and lack of understanding about sexual orientation and gender identity can lead to fighting and family disruption that can result in an LGBTQ adolescent being removed from or forced out of the home. Many LGBTQ youth are placed in foster care, or end up in juvenile detention or on the streets, because of family conflict related to their LGBTQ identity. These factors increase their risk for abuse and for serious health and mental health problems.

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Research from FAP shows that family rejection has a serious impact on LGBTQ young people’s health and mental health. LGBTQ young people who were rejected by their families because of their identity have much lower self-esteem and have fewer people they can turn to for help. They are also more isolated and have less support than those who were accepted by their families. LGBTQ teens who are highly rejected by their parents and caregivers are at very high risk for health and mental health problems when they become young adults. They have poorer health than LGBTQ young people who are not rejected by their families. They have more problems with drug use. They feel more hopeless and are much less likely to protect themselves from HIV or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). And this behavior puts them at higher risk for HIV and AIDS.

Compared with LGBTQ young people who were not rejected or were only a little rejected by their parents and caregivers because of their gay or transgender identity, highly rejected LGBTQ young people were:

--More than 8 times as likely to have attempted suicide
--Nearly 6 times as likely to report high levels of depression
--More than 3 times as likely to use illegal drugs
--More than 3 times as likely to be at high risk for HIV and STDs

Many LGBTQ youth and those who question their identity feel like they have to hide who they are to avoid being rejected. Many hide so that they won’t hurt their parents and other family members who believe that being gay is wrong or sinful. But hiding has a cost. It undermines an LGBTQ adolescent’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Being valued by their parents and family helps children learn to value and care about themselves. But hearing that they are bad or sinful sends a deep message that they are not a good person. And hearing this negative message affects their ability to love themselves and care for themselves. It increases risky behaviors, such as risk for HIV or substance abuse. It also affects their ability to plan for the future, including their ability to have career or vocational plans. And it makes them less likely to want to have a family or to be parents themselves.

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Uncertainty and Concern

Many parents feel uncertain when they learn that their child is gay. They are unsure how to react. And they don’t know how to support their child. They love and want to help their LGBTQ child. At the same time, however, they don’t want to encourage their child’s gay or transgender identity. And they don’t want to push their child away. Parents and caregivers often fear that others may try to hurt their gay or transgender child. So fear motivates many parents and family members to try to protect their LGBTQ children by reacting negatively to their gay or transgender identity. For example, they say: “Tone it down. Do you have to wear those clothes? Can’t you wait until you graduate to tell others you’re gay?” Youth often hear these comments as rejection, but too often parents use them to mask their anxiety and fear of what can happen to their child in a hostile world.

Families are motivated to learn how to support their gay or transgender children when they realize that their words and actions have a powerful impact on their LGBTQ children’s survival and well-being. Parents are shocked to learn that how they react to their LGBTQ children can increase these children’s risk for suicide, HIV infection, and other health problems. But they are relieved to learn that behaviors like talking with their gay children about their identity, and expressing affection for their gay or transgender children, can help protect against health risks. These supportive behaviors can also help promote their children’s well-being.

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Family Acceptance

FAP researchers also studied families who openly accept their children’s gay or transgender identity. Accepting parents and foster parents express support for their LGBTQ children in many ways. They tell their children they love them when they learn about their child’s LGBTQ identity. They require that other family members respect their LGBTQ child. They stand up for their LGBTQ child when their child is mistreated or harassed by others. And they work to make their own religious institutions more supportive of LGBTQ members. Or they find supportive congregations and faith communities that welcome their family and LGBTQ child.

[Source: Family Acceptance Project Research]

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Study Finds Sizable Number of LGBTQ 9 Year Old Kids

9-10 Year Old LGBTQ Kids

A new study finds a "sizable" number of LGBTQ 9 and 10 year old kids. Apparently awareness of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and trans identity comes earlier than expected. A San Diego State University research team has uncovered groundbreaking findings regarding LGBTQ identity and childhood development.

This new study found that 1 percent of 9 and 10 year-olds self-identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. The surprising findings were published in the latest issue of JAMA Pediatrics. The article, "Child Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity in the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development Cohort Study," was coauthored by researchers Jerel P. Calzo and Aaron J. Blashill. "One percent is sizable, given that they are so young," Blashill said in a release published in Medical Xpress.

Can 9 Year Old Kids Know They Are Gay?

The researchers collected their data from the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) Study, a landmark study funded by the National Institutes of Health that tracks brain development in children over the long term. ABCD surveyed thousands of children across the United States, and the SDSU researchers drew from those surveyed in 2016 and 2017.

The findings, researchers said, could lead to a greater understanding of the development of human sexuality. "For so long, social scientists have assumed that there is no point in asking kids at this age about their sexual orientation, believing they do not have the cognitive ability to understand," Blashill said. "This is the first study to actually ask children about their sexual orientation this young. It is important to have a baseline to understand how sexuality develops and how it may change over time."

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Since LGBTQ youth are more at-risk for physical and mental health issues than their straight peers, this research could help save lives. Notably, a 9-year-old took his own life last month after coming out as gay to his classmates and being bullied, although it's impossible to know exactly what factors contributed to his suicide. "If we can understand identity development earlier and can track development using large datasets, we can begin improving research and prevention around risk and protective factors," Calzo said.

The ABCD data is notable for also including parents in its survey. The SDCU team found that 7 percent of parents believed their child may be gay. 1.2 percent said their child may be transgender.

[Source: Advocate Magazine, Daniel Reynolds, September 2018]

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Lego Removes Gender Stereotypes from Toys

Lego is officially done with gender stereotypes. The company announced in October 2021 that it plans to remove gender from its toys after a global study found that these stereotypes play a big role in the futures of children.

Lego Group commissioned the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media (yes, actor Geena Davis) to carry out the research. "In a survey of almost 7,000 parents and children, aged 6-14, worldwide, the majority of children reported feeling confident in engaging in a wide range of activities — including those that have been historically gendered; But girls expressed this stronger than boys."

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According to the study, "82% of girls agreed that girls can play football and boys can practice ballet, compared to 71% of boys." Additionally, "42% of girls said they worry about being made fun of for playing with a toy typically associated for the other gender, compared to 71% of boys — a fear often shared by parents."

The results show that gender roles are learned, not born explained Madeline Di Nonno, president and CEO of the Geena Davis Institute. "The girls are ready, we just have to get out of the way," she said. "Girls are more likely to consider a wider range of jobs versus boys." But there is still a lot more work to do, said Di Nonno, stressing the impact of generational stereotypes on creative play and career goals.

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Parents play part the study found. Parents are reportedly "6 times more likely" to think of scientists and athletes as men rather than women, and over "3 times" as likely to encourage girls to engage in cooking/baking than boys. The study was published in October 2021 in recognition of the United Nations' International Day of the Girl and marked the launch of a new Lego campaign called "Ready for Girls," which, as written in a news release, "celebrates girls who rebuild the world through creative problem-solving."

"We have always been focused on ensuring that LEGO play was for all children, but within the recent years we have focused more on putting systematic processes into place to ensure LEGO products and marketing be as inclusive as possible," said Julia Goldin, Chief Product and Marketing Officer Lego Group. Additionally, the company shared that it plans to work with the Geena Davis Institute and UNICEF to ensure that Lego products and marketing are free of harmful stereotypes.

[Source: Emell Adolphus, Edge Media Network, October 2021]

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To The Other Dad on the Playground the Day My Son Wore a Pink Dress

Dear Other Dude at the Playground on Saturday:

I couldn’t fight the need to write you about an incident between our kids. Remember me? I was the dad with the son wearing a pink dress.

Before he burst onto the playground, and as I parked the car, he was positively vibrating. I asked, “Now…you’re sure you want to wear your dress?” He shouted in response, “Yes! Because I want to show everyone how beautiful I am in this beautiful dress!”

It was a big deal for him; and for me. He hasn’t asked to wear a dress “out,” before. I didn’t fight it. Who cares, right? Or so we’d like to think.

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As you noticed, he couldn’t contain his excitement showing off the dress to the only two kids playing…your daughter and her friend. He skipped and twirled and chased them for ten minutes shouting, “Do you like my dress? I’m wearing a dress! Can I play with you? Will you play with me?”

Remembering those ten minutes fills me with emotion…because his unencumbered joy thrilled me. He radiated happiness. He beamed like a sun, like a firework, like every clichéd metaphor for joy. Except it wasn’t a metaphor. It was glorious. How I wish he could hold on to that pure excitement. How I wish I could watch him be that thrilled every day of his life.

I’m sad because society somehow tamps down such delight. It’s embarrassing to the rest of us. Except behind closed doors, when do adults (or even teenagers) jump around with excitement? And some day even my little boy will probably be self-conscious about such excitement. And of course, wearing a dress in public might not always bring him such unabashed joy.

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Your daughter and her friend were obviously older and uninterested in welcoming a new playmate. (Especially one so desperate…nay, aggressive…in his playtime invitation.) But my son continued, “Do you see my beautiful dress? It’s a Sleeping Beauty dress!”

Then my reticence was confirmed when your daughter walked by me saying to her friend, “I don’t want to play with a boy in a dress.” I admit I wanted to trip her.

I think it’s safe to assume you’re a heterosexual father and you live in rural Connecticut. Parents probably don’t allow their kids to gender-bend. (You don’t even see it much in NYC.) But when your daughter said to you, “Daddy, that boy is wearing a dress,” your response was a pure gold moment, for me: “Well…you’re wearing pants, aren’t you?” I was touched and surprised by your compassion.

Like you, I just want my kids to be happy. And while I worry that wearing princess dresses might one day bring tears of betrayal for my son, right now, he loooooves to do so.

So, thank you. Thank you for showing my son support for his choices. Thank you for bringing more acceptance to your (understandably) inquisitive daughter.

I fully anticipate others insulting my boy’s self-expression. That obviously petrifies me. That’s what makes me tamp down (but not outlaw) the dresses. I want to protect my exuberant cherub from betrayal and shame for as long as possible. (I know that’s a losing battle, but still. A daddy can try.)

But more important that sadness is his self-expression. So we go with it and compliment him and encourage him, putting off that day of sadness for as long as possible. And then we’ll deal with that.

So: thank you for encouraging my son’s joy. You helped me be a better father, in turn.

Thanks, dude.

Daddy Coping in Style

[Source: Gavin Lodge, Good Men Project, January 2022]

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Supporting Our Gender Creative Child

I know there are people who don’t understand why, or don’t agree with the fact that my family is out & proud, advocating publicly for our youngest, gender creative child. That’s okay. They don’t need to understand or agree with us because it’s our family, and it’s what’s right for us, right now. But we know there are people who don’t understand (though they might, if they cared to simply ask us). And we know there are people who disagree (though they’re judging only what they can see on the surface, and are all too happy to tell us).

There could be many reasons. Maybe they don’t know that my son Charlie encouraged me to write more publicly about him, something beyond my little blog with 2 subscribers. I’d been keeping journals my entire life. I always loved writing, and called it my brain-purging; my therapy. My youngest child actually wanted his story told. Before I ever went public, he heard the first piece I wrote about him and said, “Mom, I not only want you to do this; you have to do this.” Charlie, though very young at heart, has always been wiser than his years. So I listened. And I auditioned. And then I read some of my writing for an audience for the first time ever, in the Listen to Your Mother Show.

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LTYM was a turning point in my life. The thanks all goes to mom blogger and humoritst Ann Imig, LTYM founder, and local producers Marty Long and KeAnne Hoeg, who heard something in my audition piece they found worthy of a larger audience. LTYM was a place of tremendous growth for me. I was collaborating for the first time with powerful women who were published and accomplished writers in every genre from young adult lit to poetry. At the core of it, though, we were all mothers. Political differences aside, we all understood the literary theme of unconditional love.

This cast of writers changed my entire outlook on life. I began to understand the importance of hearing individual stories. Really hearing, without judgment, without envisioning things through the rose tinted lenses of cis, hetero, white privilege. There was a special kind of juxtaposition in peacefully sitting and hearing someone else’s narrative, and then agonizingly sitting and feeling quite a bit of my own discomfort that needed confronting.

Maybe people don’t know that Charlie also wanted to meet other kids out there just like him. And that’s exactly what has happened, in spades. First, with the launch of our (now official) program of the LGBTQ Center, S.E.A.R.CH. (Safe Environment for the Acceptance of Rainbow Children), Charlie has met several local gender creative and transgender children. More than anyone would’ve thought are out there.

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As a result of our support group and advocacy, Charlie has gender creative and transgender 10-year-old pals across the world now. Conversely, because of my child’s bravery, hundreds more kids and adults have reached out to us in confidence, or have “come out.” Just this weekend, Charlie received a large envelope of “fan mail” from the Prospect High School GSA, in San Jose, California. Charlie’s “viral” story from September had reached them, and they were compelled to reach out to us. Inside were dozens of handmade cards relaying messages of love. He nearly cried tears of joy as he thoroughly read each one. When he got to the last two, he said, “Oh no… just two left… I don’t want this to end.”

Thankfully, the messages of love on this family journey from acceptance to advocacy have spoken SO MUCH LOUDER than the messages of hate. But the hate is still out there, and we know that.

But here’s the thing. We continue to be public advocates because you can’t be a silent advocate. Just like you can’t unconditionally love your child, but then tell them you “don’t accept” the part that they are LGBTQ. And also, we do it because someone has got to stand up to the bullying, and in the process, “fish” for other advocates. If you sit idly by and watch someone get bullied, and you do nothing to stop it, you’re just as guilty as the bully. We teach that lesson in elementary school.

And here’s the other thing. Ever since we went public with Charlie’s story, that was the moment that localized, to-his-face teasing and harassment ended. Sure, he still gets asked “are you a boy or a girl?” by the younger kids at school. But I’ll take that any day over what was being said to him before.

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Most importantly for us, though, was this: the moment we went public was the moment that Charlie came out of a year-long battle with crippling depression and crisis-mode anxiety. At 8 and 9 years old. You can’t imagine how excruciating it is to watch a child so young be in so much distress because the universe is trying to put them in a box where they don’t fit.

You may not believe a child is capable of such “adult” emotions like anxiety or depression. But I’m the one who kneeled beside him, up to three times a week at the toilet in the school’s health room bathroom, for 45 minutes a stretch, holding a cold, wet paper towel on his neck as my baby shook and vomited relentlessly from the anxiety he had been holding in all morning. Were you there? If so, you would’ve seen firsthand that anxiety and depression can indeed thrive in children.

I was there when the teacher came to get me and let me know my child was having what she thought was an anxiety attack. He was. I took him out of the room and talked him off the ledge. Many times. I wiped his tears and hugged him tight, I reassured him, “no, you’re not gay. You’ll figure that out when you’re older, and if you are gay, still, there’s nothing wrong with that, and we will still love you no matter what.” Were you there for that difficult conversation?

I was there helping comfort him during eight years of very painful encopresis. Which I had to figure out all on my own because the pediatrician kept saying, “just give him more Miralax.” I didn’t know then that it was behavioral. I didn’t know then it was typical of gender creative and transgender children. But I knew his pain wasn’t normal, despite what the doctors said. I carried his extra clothes and cleaning/sterilizing supplies everywhere we went, every day, just in case of accidents. Were you there offering help?

Every morning as I drove him to school, my once chipper, non-stop talker of a child became more and more withdrawn, until he was eventually curled up in a ball on the seat next to me, not wanting to live another day because his life felt so incongruent with his mind and his reality. After months of this, I realized it was more important to have an alive child than a stereotypically conforming child.

I offered him medication. I told him there was helpful therapy and medications for someone with such severe depression and anxiety. But, this child was terrified of pills and at age 8 1/2, had still not taken a single pill his entire life. We had to specifically request oral antibiotics for this reason. One particularly violent anxiety-laden vomiting episode when I was holding his head so he wouldn’t bash it on the toilet, I was there when he looked up at me afterwards with bloodshot eyes and said, “I think I’m ready to take the pills now.” In that moment of realization, that moment where my baby child realized he would need to conquer some pretty huge phobias in order to get better, were you there?

When we embraced Charlie and spoke publicly, affirming all the things that our son is, when we began advocating for him, and giving love without conditions, that was the moment we took back the bullying language. Yes, he is feminine. No, there’s nothing wrong with that. No, it’s not related to sexuality. He’s not even thinking in those terms yet. But however he ends up (whether that’s hyper-masculine jock, swishy gay, or asexual) we will still love without conditions. And he will not look back on this time with embarrassment, but with pride, because we’ve taught him to take pride in his whole self. We’ve taught him that “feminine” does not equal “less than.”

[Source: Gender Creative Life by Martie Sirois, 2016]

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My three-and-a-half-year-old son likes to play trucks. He likes to do jigsaw puzzles. He likes to eat plums. And he likes to wear sparkly tutus. If asked, he will say the tutus make him feel beautiful and brave. If asked, he will say there are no rules about what boys can wear or what girls can wear.

My son has worn tutus to church. He has worn tutus to the grocery store. He has worn tutus on the train and in the sandbox. It has been, in our part of the world, a non-issue. We have been asked some well-intentioned questions; we've answered them; it has been fine. It WAS fine, until yesterday.

Yesterday, on our walk to the park, my son and I were accosted by someone who demanded to know why my son was wearing a skirt. We didn't know him, but he appeared to have been watching us for some time.

"I'm just curious," the man said. "Why do you keep doing this to your son?"

He wasn't curious. He didn't want answers. He wanted to make sure we both knew that what my son was doing---what I was ALLOWING him to do---was wrong.

"She shouldn't keep doing this to you," he said. He spoke directly to my son. "You're a boy. She's a bad mommy. It's child abuse."

He took pictures of us, although I asked him not to; he threatened me. "Now everyone will know," he said. "You'll see."

I called the police. They came, they took their report, they complimented the skirt. Still, my son does not feel safe today. He wants to know: "Is the man coming back? The bad man? Is he going to shout more unkind things about my skirt? Is he going to take more pictures?"

I can't say for sure. But I can say this: I will not be intimidated. I will not be made to feel vulnerable or afraid. I will not let angry strangers tell my son what he can or cannot wear.

The world may not love my son for who he is, but I do. I was put on this earth to make sure he knows it.
I will shout my love from street corners.
I will defend, shouting, his right to walk down the street in peace, wearing whatever items of clothing he wants to wear.
I will show him, in whatever way I can, that I value the person he is, trust in his vision for himself, and support his choices---no matter what anybody else says, no matter who tries to stop him or how often.

Our family has a motto.

The motto is this:
We are loving.
We are kind.
We are determined and persistent.
We are beautiful and brave.
We know who we are.

Angry strangers will not change who we are.

The world will not change who we are---we will change the world.

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Theyby: Gender Creative Parenting

Non-Binary Child and Their Family Explore Identity

Kids Know Their Gender Identity at Young Age

A new study found that strong gender non-confirming behavior in kids indicates a larger probability that they’ll transition later on and that transitioning early in life doesn’t affect a kid’s gender identity.

In the study, 85 GNC kids with an average age of seven were given a battery of tests about their gender identity and preferences. The tests asked if the kids liked playing with other girls or boys, if they preferred culturally-coded boys’ or girls’ clothes and toys more, if they felt more similar to girls or to boys, and if they identified as boys, girls, or neither. Each participant was assigned a score based on their gender identity and preferences.

The 85 kids had not transitioned. Since the study was about pre-pubescent kids, “transitioning” meant changing the pronouns they used, which was often accompanied by changes in names and how they were socially perceived. So these were children who were living as their sex assigned at birth.

Kids Know Their Gender Identity at Young Age

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Two years later, Olson and her team followed up with the families and found that 36 of the participants had socially transitioned. Now the researchers could compare the kids who ended up transitioning with those who didn’t, with data from when each of them was still living as their sex assigned at birth. And it turns out that the kids with gender identity and preference scores that were more at odds with their sex assigned at birth were more likely to transition.

The researchers also compared the gender identity scores of the GNC kids who ended up transitioning to transgender kids who had already socially transitioned as well as cisgender kids of the same gender identity, and found that they were pretty similar. This suggests that transgender kids have as strong sense of who they are before they transition as they do after they transition, and that sense is as strong as cisgender kids’ gender identities.

The study, of course, is not the final word on the topic. And further studies will see if the results can be replicated. But the study is an important rejoinder to other studies of GNC youth that have found that simply being labeled GNC does not automatically mean that a child will transition later on.

Instead, this study suggests that further research is needed, research that analyses a child’s degree of gender non-conformity and focuses on tests that get at a child’s gender identity and not just parents’ worries that their child isn’t masculine or feminine enough.

[Source: Alex Bollinger, LGBTQ Nation, January 2019]

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Raising my Rainbow: What Gender Non-Conforming Kids Want You to Know
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Puberty and Finding Out Who You Are

How Mothers of Transgender Children Are Changing the World

Impact of Family Reactions on LGBTQ Children

BEHAVIORS TO AVOID

Some Family Behaviors that Increase Your LGBTQ Child’s Risk for Health and Mental Health Problems:

--Hitting, slapping or physically hurting your child because of their LGBTQ identity
--Verbal harassment or name-calling because of your child’s LGBTQ identity
--Excluding LGBTQ youth from family events and family activities
--Blocking access to LGBTQ friends, events, and resources
--Blaming your child when they are discriminated against because of their LGBTQ identity
--Pressuring your child to be more (or less) masculine or feminine
--Telling your child that God will punish them because they are gay
--Telling your child that you are ashamed of them or that how they look or act will shame the family
--Making your child keep their LGBTQ identity a secret in the family and not letting them talk about their identity with others

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Dad Supports His 5-Year-Old Son Wearing Nail Polish

BEHAVIORS THAT HELP

Some Family Behaviors that Reduce Your LGBTQ Child’s Risk for Health and Mental Health Problems and Help Promote Their Well-Being:

--Talk with your child or foster child about their LGBTQ identity
--Express affection when your child tells you or when you learn that your child is LGBTQ
--Support your child’s LGBTQ identity even though you may feel uncomfortable
--Advocate for your child when he or she is mistreated because of their LGBTQ identity
--Require that other family members respect your LGBTQ child
--Bring your child to LGBTQ organizations or events
--Connect your child with an LGBTQ adult role model to show them options for the future
--Work to make your congregation supportive of LGBTQ members, or find a supportive faith community that welcomes your family and LGBTQ child
--Welcome your child’s LGBTQ friends and partner to your home and to family events and activities
--Support your child’s gender expression
--Believe your child can have a happy future as an LGBTQ adult

[Source: Caitlyn Ryan]

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My Babies Were Born This Way

Since becoming a mother, I have learned that all I really care about is that my kids are happy. And healthy. I can only do so much in the healthy department. But, at this stage of the game, I pretty much control their happiness.

When it comes to what my kids want to wear in the morning, I have learned that I really don't care what they wear. And I definitely don't care what other people think about what my kids wear. This is the way my parents raised me. I wanted so desperately to be a man when I was a little girl. And my parents let me live my dream. Until I hit puberty, I thought I was a boy. It was a very rude awakening when I found out I wasn't, but I got over it and made the transformation into a woman rather seamlessly.

I was the ultimate tomboy. I liked sports. I liked to dress as a boy. I liked to remove my shirt and play on the skins team. And for some reason, my parents allowed me to cut my hair like a boy. I can vividly remember getting my haircut and asking to have it look just like a boy's. I never thought about any of this until I had a daughter of my own who also wanted to be a man. My parents never talked to me about my love of all things manly. If anything, they encouraged me to be who I wanted to be. They loved me for who I was. It was just never a big deal.

When my daughter turned three, we packed away all of her sister's girl clothes and pulled out all of her brother's boy clothes. We weren't going to force her to wear the princess themed wardrobe of her extremely feminine older sister. She was much more comfy in her older brother's dark-colored, sports and cars themed, garb.

At first, we started calling her Ro, for Rosie O'Donnell, my favorite lesbian. Then we started to think she was really a man trapped in a little girl's body. So we changed her nickname to Chaz. But now we know, she's just herself. So we call her by the name we gave her because we don't want her to be anyone else. Everywhere we went, people would comment. On how adorable she was. People love her and her badass attitude. They love her boyish look. There is never a question she is a girl, because she has the most gorgeous, lush, head of blond curls ever known to man.

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How the Mothers of Transgender Children Are Changing the World

My Babies Were Born This Way

This is why we were completely shocked at the reaction we got when our youngest son wanted to wear a dress. There is quite the double standard. And you know I don't like my standards doubled.

My husband I will be the first to admit that it was much easier to let our little girl be a tomboy. When it came to our son being a tomgirl, it was a tough pill to swallow. And we all know how much I love to swallow pills. So we had to really think about why it bothered us. As it turns out, it doesn't bother us, but it really bothers other people. The reaction we get in public is absolutely crazy.

I called my husband at work one day and told him that I was afraid we would ruin our son's self-esteem if we didn't let him be himself. I was really upset because I was so afraid our little guy would learn to feel bad about himself and not love himself like he should. My husband's reaction sums up the reason I married him. He said, "well, then order him some girl clothes." And I did just that.

I thought I was going to have to convince my husband of something. But I didn't have to. I think I was really trying to convince myself. And that changed my attitude completely. Why was I making such a big deal about it? Who cares? Turns out plenty of people care. Plenty of people that we don't care about.

Sometimes our younger daughter prefers to dress like her older sister who likes to dress like a girl. One day both boys were wearing boy clothes and both girls were wearing girl clothes. It was a mess. Pure chaos. I was embarrassed to leave the house like that. What would the neighbors think?

If our kids turn out to be gay, lesbian, or transgender, we don't care. We love them. And right now they are little kids. So we're just going to let them be little kids. And just like we have taught our kids plenty of fun new words, we have also learned a few. Gender queer, gender neutral, transgender, gender nonconforming, gender creative and gender fluid. None of these new words scare us. All we know for sure right now is that our kids are gender-riffic!

[Source: Eileen O'Connor, December 2017]

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