Queer Cafe

Modern Family Star Julie Bowen Says She's Straight, but Fell in Love With a Woman
Tips for Bi-Curious Guys

Lica and Samantha: Curious

According to the Urban Dictionary, a bi-curious person is one who, although untried as of yet, finds themselves curiously attracted to members of the same sex for the purpose of sexual pleasure and experimentation. Typically, a bi-curious person has always been curious about what sex with another woman/man would be like but since she/he had never experienced it, they label themselves as bi-curious.

It describes someone (male or female) who is interested in exploring sex with a member of their own gender/sex but who either hasn't gotten around to it yet or the thought isn't a raging priority. The term is often used by people who are unsure whether or not they are bisexual, homosexual or heterosexual.

The term bi-curious is sometimes used to describe a broad continuum of sexual orientation ranging from heterosexuality to bisexuality to homosexuality. The terms heteroflexible and homoflexible are also applied to bi-curiosity.

The term bi-curious implies that the individual has either no or limited homosexual experience in the case of heterosexual individuals or no or limited heterosexual experience in the case of homosexual people, but may continue to self-identify as bi-curious if they do not feel they have adequately explored these feelings, or if they do not wish to identify as bisexual.

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Questioning and Exploration

"Young people, who are still uncertain of their identity, often try on a succession of masks in the hope of finding the one which suits them... the one, in fact, which is not a mask."

-W.H. Auden

According to PFLAG, "questioning" is a term used to describe those who are in a process of discovery and exploration about their sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, or a combination thereof.

"I wasn’t someone who always knew I wanted to hook up with women, but I was curious. And as it turned out, I loved it. But then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to date women, but I tried it and now I’m in the happiest relationship of my life. If I hadn’t made the first decision to explore and see where things went, I would’ve missed out on so much."

-Lea Rose Emery

Questioning your sexual orientation, feeling unsure about your sexual orientation, or being "gay curious," is really common and natural for a lot of teens

As one teenage girl said, "I am 16 years old and questioning if I'm gay or not. I'm pretty sure I am but currently have a boyfriend because I really don't know yet."

Sometimes teens can find answers by asking themselves things like:

Who do I usually have crushes on? Is it mainly someone of the same gender? Do I imagine relationships with someone of the same gender? If I have dated or had a sexual experience with someone of the opposite gender, how did it make me feel? If I dated or had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender, how did it make me feel? Do I feel strongly attracted to people of both genders? Do I think you could have a sexual or romantic relationship with either males or females?

If possible, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to come up with an answer right now. You really don't need to rush it. Remember, there is a whole lot of stuff to figure out when you are a teen. It’s perfectly normal if you are still in the process of tying to figure out your sexual orientation.

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Modern Family’s Straight Actor Julie Bowen Says She Once Fell in Love With a Woman
Straight Modern Family Actress Julie Bowen Says She Once Fell in Love With a Woman
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Straight Modern Family Star Julie Bowen Once Fell in Love With a Woman

"Modern Family" star and host of the "Quitters" podcast Julie Bowen came out as once having "been in love with a woman" even though she identifies as straight.

"I'm straight," Bowen, who played Claire Dunphy on the hit series, told her audience. "I've always been straight. But, I was in love with a woman for a while but she didn't love me back. She liked women, but she didn't like me in that way."

Bowen added that the relationship "never really took off so I never really had to challenge my concept of my sexuality."

Bowen's comments came as she discussed putting labels on one's sexuality with the 'The Bachelor' alum, Becca Tilley, who went public with her relationship with singer Hayley Kiyoko in May 2022. Bowen had some thoughts about labeling sexuality. She said, "I hope people don't always have to come out. What you do with your body should not be the first thing we know about people, or care about — that's your business."

[Source: Kilian Melloy, Edge Media Network, November 2022]

Surprising Number of Straight People Admit Being Attracted to Same Sex

Exploring Your Sexuality

Q: I'm about to enter college and female, and, just recently, I've been attracted to a few girls. I also get aroused when I see two women having sex or kissing. I've had three boyfriends in high school, and I think I am still attracted to men. I would really like to experiment with girls to see if I am a lesbian or a bisexual. What should I do?

A: Your willingness to contemplate and possibly explore your sexual feelings and attractions are key to bringing you satisfaction and peace of mind, both in and out of the bedroom (or living room, or car, or wherever you choose). Participating in safe sexual encounters and activities, whether with men, women, or both, can provide wonderful opportunities to learn about your likes and dislikes, passions, and goals. Keep in mind that sex and attraction are just two parts of establishing a healthy relationship. The personality of the other person, how well the two of you interact, and the way you feel about him or her or when you're around her or him may also be major factors you want to consider. It's possible that you might find yourself being attracted to women more often than men, but it might also depend on who the person is, rather than her or his sex or gender.

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Many people's sexual feelings and attractions can change over the course of their lives. In other words, who you're most attracted to today might not be the same as who you'll be eyeing five years from now. While this may seem to complicate matters, the good news is that you'll have the freedom to explore sexual attractions as they arise. Just because you might experiment with women now doesn't mean you won't ever kiss a man again (or vice versa). Staying in touch with your feelings, and reflecting upon them often, will help ensure that that you are doing what's best for you now and in years to come.

Questioning your sexual orientation or sexual identity is by no means a sign of a problem. However some people do find that speaking with a counselor can help clarify desires, attractions, and issues of identity.

While you may feel confused about your attractions right now, you should know that your feelings are completely normal, as is exploring them. Enjoy!

[Source: Go Ask Alice, Columbia University]

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Am I LGBTQ?

Questioning your sexual orientation or gender identity can be difficult, often because of other peoples' attitudes. But it could help you make sense of feelings you've had for a long time. Whether you're straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, there's no reason not to feel confident and proud of who you are.

I keep hearing this word 'sexuality' - what is it?

Sexuality isn't just about sex, it's about your feelings, emotions, attractions and desires and how you express these. It includes whether we're attracted to people the same gender as you, a different gender, or are attracted to more than one gender (which is what makes up what is known as our sexual orientation – whether we identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual) as well as what we do sexually.

Having sexual thoughts and feelings is a normal, healthy part of human life. This is true no matter what gender you’re attracted to. Some people aren't much interested in sex at all, and this is normal too. Some people who don’t experience sexual attraction identify as asexual, which you can learn more about here.

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Lica and Samantha: Curious

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How Am I Supposed to Know?

When will I know if I'm gay or straight or bisexual or transgender?

It takes time to figure out who we are sexually and to understand our gender identity and orientation, just as takes time to figure out other areas of our lives. The important thing is to be true to how you feel at the time and to respect yourself and others around you.

So-and-so knows me really well and reckons I'm gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender - am I?
It's true that good friends can sometimes tell us things about ourselves we might not have realized, but you shouldn't be swayed too much by what anyone else says about your sexuality or gender identity. Only you know can how you really feel inside.

If I think I am gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender - should I tell people?

Young Scot have a guide on coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual, as well as a guide on how to come out as transgender. There are many different things you should take into consideration when it comes to coming out, but it's entirely your decision.

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I had a sex dream about someone who's the same gender as me - what does it mean?

Having one dream about someone who is the same gender as you probably doesn't mean you're gay or lesbian.

On the other hand, if your sexual dreams are always about members who are the same gender as you, and you enjoy similar fantasies and daydreams, they could be telling you something.

I suddenly thought about someone my own gender while I was masturbating - what does it mean?

For lots of us, sexuality isn't as simple as being gay or straight. Lots of people have fantasies involving people the same gender as them, even if they wouldn't want to actually have sex with them.

Meanwhile, if your sexual fantasies are usually about people of your own gender and have been for a while, it's a pretty strong indication you're attracted to people who are the same gender as you.

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Flexuality

Me and my friend started getting off with each other - am I gay/lesbian?

Having a sexual experience with someone the same gender as you does not automatically make you gay or lesbian. That’s up to you to discover and find out – you could be gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight or one of many different sexual orientations. One experience doesn’t make up your whole identity.

In the meantime, you should know that what happened is a fairly normal part of growing up and try not to stress about it.

What if I feel I'm a different gender?

The term transgender describes a range of people whose feelings about their gender identity differ from the assumptions made about them when they were born.

Transgender people can be attracted to people of the same gender, or a different gender, or multiple genders. Their sexuality and who they are attracted to is something completely different to their gender identity.

Some transgender people choose to live as their assigned sex, and others as the gender they really are. Others may decide to be open about being transgender with some people but not with everyone.

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Finding Yourself

Discovering who you are is an important part of your education and growing up as a human being. And your sexuality is just one of many things you will explore and investigate in your quest to define yourself. Your willingness to question, be curious, and learn is essential to the process of finding yourself. Your ability to gather information, conduct research, and be honest with yourself is vital.

Your search for yourself includes a personal understanding of your passions, talents, and values. It includes crafting your philosophy of life and your unique view of the world. It includes pursuing a career and lifestyle that is the right fit for you. It includes exploring your options, developing your competencies, and expanding your mind. And it includes making important choices about your spirituality, politics, and group membership. These things are a matter of making decisions and creating yourself.

And your search for yourself also includes an understanding of the unique characteristics you were born with, including your gender, sexuality, race, and ethnicity. While these are not factors about which you have any choice or control, some of them are immediately observable and others must be eventually discovered. These are traits we can describe as hereditary, innate, or inborn. You become aware of the nature of these things through your personal experience and engagement with the world around you. Your awareness in these areas relies on your willingness to be open and honest, your courage to be curious and adventurous, and your capacity to explore the full range of your thoughts, feelings, expressions, and motivations. These essential factors are a matter of "finding yourself" or coming to terms with who you are and embracing that reality. They are part of a journey of discovery and realization, not choice or invention.

So, when it comes to your gender or sexuality, you are not trying to make a decision about your "preferences." Rather, you are trying to come to an honest awareness of your "orientation" or "identity."

[Source: M Lebeau, Affirming Counselor]

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Healthy Curiosity is Normal

Consider these statistics regarding the attitudes and behaviors of typical college students: 18% of college men say they've kissed another man and 20% of college women say they've kissed another woman. 10% of college students who consider themselves heterosexual say they've fantasized about having sex with a same-sex partner.

According to the American Psychological Association: Adolescence can be a period of experimentation, and many youths may question their sexual feelings. Becoming aware of sexual feelings is a normal developmental task of adolescence. Sometimes adolescents have same-sex feelings or experiences that cause confusion about their sexual orientation. This confusion appears to decline over time, with different outcomes for different individuals.

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Curiosa

Am I Gay?

According to Dr. Jeffrey Fishberger of The Trevor Project:

Figuring out one’s sexual orientation can be an exciting as well as confusing and scary process, and one that is different for each person. Some people are sure of their sexuality as children, and others as teens. Still others continue to question their sexual orientation as adults.

It’s interesting that when young people state that they are attracted to someone of the same gender, they’re often told, “You’re too young to know,” or, “This is probably just a phase.” Yet if that same young person were to say that he or she is attracted to someone of the opposite gender, no one seems to question this.

The teen years can be a frightening time, as adolescents try to understand the changes in their bodies and their new and different feelings. They’re also working to become more independent and become their own person while, at the same time, struggling to fit in.

For a teen who is gay, for example, this struggle can in many instances be that much more difficult, as negative things he has heard or read about gay people can affect his journey of self-discovery. Such negative messages can also hinder teenagers’ acceptance of their sexuality and their comfort with being open with others.

In trying to understand sexual orientation, it can help a person to think about who he or she has crushes on and fantasizes about being with. A person doesn’t necessarily need to have a “full” sexual experience in order to understand his or her sexual orientation. The time to explore such issues varies from individual to individual.

It can also be tremendously helpful to have peers and adults who are accepting, supportive and open to talking about this complicated issue. Gay-straight alliances as well as safe, social LGBTQ networking sites can provide support that could be tremendously helpful to a young person trying to understand his or her sexuality.

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Cosmopolitan: Bicurious and Experimenting

Wikipedia: Questioning Sexuality and Gender

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New York Times: When Teens Question Their Sexuality

Lesbian Until Graduation

The LGBTQ slang terms lesbian until graduation (LUG), gay until graduation (GUG), and bisexual until graduation (BUG) are used to describe women primarily of high school or college age who are assumed to be experimenting with or adopting a temporary lesbian or bisexual identity during their college years. The term suggests that the woman to whom it is applied will ultimately adopt a strictly heterosexual identity after she leaves campus.

In a 1999 article in the Seattle Weekly, A. Davis related her experimentation with same-sex relationships, and how as a result, she experienced hostility from lesbian friends who pressured her to identify as a bisexual, including one friend who urged her to do so as a political statement, despite the fact that Davis identifies as a heterosexual who merely experimented with women for a brief period. Davis claimed that women who experienced same-sex relationships are more attuned to LGBTQ issues, and more likely to oppose discrimination.

The “lesbian until graduation” is the cultural archetype of a usually white, privileged, overeducated girl who “experiments” with same-sex relationships in college either as part of a rebellion against her parents/hometown/former life as a high schooler with a curfew or as the result of a newfound feminist political consciousness that can only truly be manifested by touching another girl’s vagina.

Its pervasion of mainstream consciousness can perhaps be traced back to the 2003 New York Magazine article “Bi For Now," which uses the term “hasbian” to refer to LUGs in their latter years.

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