Queer Cafe

LGBTQ INFORMATION NETWORK │ RAINBOW OF RESOURCES

LOVE

Love Notes

"It is that deep spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It is beautiful, it is fine, it is the noblest form of affection. There is nothing unnatural about it."
-Oscar Wilde

"Everyday I see you walk toward me, I feel my heart speed up and I smile. You love me for me and I love you for you. You're the best thing in my life!"

-Random Internet Comment

"Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens."

-California Sen. Sheila Kuehl, D-Santa Monica

"We love because it's the only true adventure."

-Nikki Giovanni

"No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love."

-Rita Mae Brown

�No one in America should ever be afraid to walk down the street holding the hand of the person they love.�

-President Barack Obama

"Straight Americans need an education of the heart and soul. They must understand, to begin with, how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul."

-Bruce Bawer, The Advocate, 1998

"Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law."

-Boethius, Consolation of Philosophy, AD 524

"There's this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That's completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved."

-Boy George

"Love is at the root of everything. Love or the lack of it."

-Fred Rogers

"I say that homosexuality is not just a form of sex, it�s a form of love, and it deserves our respect for that reason."
-Christopher Hitchens

"What are you trying to protect heterosexual marriages from? There isn't a limited amount of love. It isn't a non-renewable resource. If Amy and Barbara or Mike and Steve love each other, it doesn't mean that John and Mary can't."

-Ed Fallon

"Somebody, your father or mine, should have told us that not many people have ever died of love. But multitudes have perished, and are perishing every hour, and in the oddest places, for the lack of it."

-James Baldwin

"I met a young man who was wounded in love, I met another man who was wounded in hatred."

-Bob Dylan

Queer Couple Talk Love and Poetry

Nothing Taboo: Love Song for the Outcast

Dare to Love
Lesbian Couple Marries Atop Empire State Building

Daisy and Taylor: The Story of How We Met

Billboard: Love Letters to the LGBTQ Community

I Choose You by Sara Bareilles

Psychology Today: Seven Types of Love

Daniel and John's Wedding

Short LGBTQ Film: Let Me Love You

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

James Corden: Teaching Children About Gay Relationships

Be My Honeypie by the Weepies

Love Story: Beautiful Florida Lesbian Wedding

Kiss Cam: Girls Kissing Girls

Defining Love

What is love? According to Merriam-Webster, love is defined as "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. It is attraction based on sexual desire. It is affection and tenderness felt by lovers. It is affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. It is an assurance of affection. It is warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.�

According to Wikipedia, love encompasses a variety of strong and positive emotional and mental states, ranging from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment. Love can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection, as the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards others or one's self.

Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and has been postulated to be a function to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species.

Comments gleaned from the Urban Dictionary describe love as the most spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense, and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

Different Kind of Love Song
TED Talks: Love is Love

The Meaning of Love

Famous Same Sex Couples

Could It Be I'm Falling in Love

Music Video: Kiss Like a Woman

Love is Love by Starley

Video Advice: Unique LGBTQ Dating Problems

Comment on Commitment
How Do You Know It's Love?

Lizzie and Grace's Wedding

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

Short LGBTQ Film: Let Me Love You

The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on "falling in love" and need to learn more how to "stand in love."

Psychologically speaking, there is a difference between compassionate and passionate love. Compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment, affection, and trust. Compassionate love usually develops out of feelings of mutual understanding and shared respect for one another. Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction, anxiety, and affection.

According to Thought Catalog, "Love means not needing constant contact, in person or via text, to feel secure. It means trusting them in every way possible and earning their reciprocal trust in you. Love means loving yourself, too. It means always being your organic self and never shifting to fit another person's standard."

According to the New Testament, �Love is patient. Love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude. It is never selfish. It is not quick to take offence. Love keeps no score of wrongs. It does not gloat over another's sins, but delights in the truth. There is nothing love cannot face. There is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance. There are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of them is love.�

Thomas Aquinas described love as, "to will the good of another."

Plato defined love as an appreciation of the beauty within a person. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word �platonic� to mean, "without physical attraction."

According to Sophocles, �One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.�

Rules for LGBTQ Dating

In a Heartbeat: Animated Gay Love Story

Video: Love Advice to My Younger Self

Julia and Abby's Wedding

James Corden: Teaching Children About Gay Relationships

You Make Me Happy

Love Wins: The Faces of Marriage Equality

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

What is Your Love Language?

Cosmo: Lesbians Reveal Exact Moment They Fell in Love

Essence: Liberated and Loved

Pride: Gay Love Stories

Video Advice: Honesty and Tenderness in Loving Relationships

Short Film: Together Forever

Arne and Alex's Wedding

Love Sweet Love

I have discovered that we all want to be loved, and to love. That is, we all desire to be deeply cared about and to care about others. True love is unconditional. No matter what you or another person says or does, express your love and then deal with the specific disliked behavior.

What the world needs now is lots of love which is the opposite of fear. Accept your and others� differences. Take the time to love yourself and others unconditionally, spread deep caring that is the key to loving relationships and to a loving world.

There are certain characteristics we show when we are in love. Selfless behavior shows that you are not just thinking about yourself, but that you�re also concerned about your partners needs as well. You will be concerned about your partner�s growth in life, and become more supportive and understanding, even if you feel like being critical. You will have a desire to forgive, and realize that no one is perfect in life.

Your love grows when you are able to focus on the good things about someone. You will see both the positive and the negative side of someone, but you will love them no matter what. When your partner does that little thing that irritates you, it will be easier to look past it. You will realize that it�s not worth getting angry over, and causing a scene. Love allows for anger, but in a controlled manner. Love is about being able to compromise. If emotional pain was caused you�re allowed to let your partner know when they have done wrong.

Love is about caring and showing affection and intimacy towards the other person. You will have a romantic desire towards your partner, not a lustful desire. With a romantic desire to be intimate and affectionate towards your partner, an emotional bond will grow between the two of you. It will become stronger overtime and will bring you closer together.

[Source: Love Z]

Video Advice: Honesty and Tenderness in Loving Relationships

Dancing in the Living Room

Essence: Liberated and Loved

Comment on Love

Love Wins: The Faces of Marriage Equality

Alex and Dustin's Wedding

All I Want is You from Juno Soundtrack

TED Talk: Queer Vision of Love and Marriage

My Summer of Love

Video Advice: What Should We Expect From Love?

The One I Love by Ellen Krauss

It�s All Greek to Me

The Greek language distinguishes at least seven different ways as to how the word love is used. Ancient Greek has distinct words for love: eros, philia, storge, ludus, pragma, philautia, and agape. However, as with other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words when used outside of their respective contexts. Nonetheless, the senses in which these words were generally used are as follows:

Eros - Sexual passion. Intimate love. Romantic love. Erotic desire.

Philia - Affectionate regard or friendship. Dispassionate virtuous love. Brotherly love. Comradery. Loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity.

Storge - Common or natural empathy, like that felt by parents for their children. Tolerance and acceptance.

Ludus - Playful love. Flirting and teasing. Laughing with friends. Socializing. Dancing with strangers.

Pragma � Longstanding love. Mature love. Deep understanding that develops between couples that have been together for a long time. It is about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance.

Philautia � Love of one�s self. Self-esteem. The idea is that if you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to give others. All friendly feelings for others are an extension of one's feelings for one�s self.

Agape � Charity. Unconditional and unselfish love. Spiritual love. Love for everyone.

Love Stories

Laura & Fawn
Hattie & Amorie
Dick & Bob
Jan & Lauren
Jon & Robert
Octavia & Deborah
Eric & Stan
Steve & Mark

Deities of Love

Greek god of love: Eros

Greek goddess of love: Aphrodite

Roman god of love: Cupid

Roman goddess of love: Venus

Weird and Annoying Questions Gay Couples Get Asked
Everybody Wants to Be Loved by Ingrid Michaelson
TED Talks: Love is Love

Info: Sex, Lust, Attraction, Attachment

Video Story: Lover's Night Routine

Carmine and Ryan's Wedding

Video: Love is Love

Mythology: Gods and Goddesses of Love

Huffington Post: Characteristics of Real Love

Comment on Trust
TED Talk: Queer Vision of Love and Marriage

I Choose You by Sara Bareilles

Healthy Girl-Girl Relationship

Jesse and Lily's Wedding

Video Advice: What Should We Expect From Love?

The One I Love by Ellen Krauss

Love Wins: The Faces of Marriage Equality

What Does it Feel Like to Be in Love?

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

Intimacy

To be intimate means to make known, to get close, or to open up. Intimacy is about seeking or having closeness of some kind with someone. When we're being intimate with another person, we're letting them (or they're letting us) get closer by inviting and allowing each other into places beneath the visible surfaces of ourselves; places we don't show to just anyone, or places people can only really come into if we invite them.

Healthy intimacy involves intentionally, willingly and safely sharing more private, vulnerable parts of our hearts, minds, bodies or lives with each other, and having others share with us in ways we want and feel comfortable with. Intimacy asks for transparency (being open and honest), vulnerability (letting our guard down), trust, and a means of communicating or connecting. When we're experiencing healthy intimacy, we'll tend to feel accepted or accepting, known or more knowing, valued just as the people we are, not because we did something important or something that someone wanted, and, since so many of us keep so much of our inner selves reigned in tightly so much of the time, we'll tend to feel a certain sense of peace or release by loosening those reins.

Intimacy is something that can happen in a brief period of time and can be built over time, so it becomes deeper, there's more of it, or it's something we experience more often. A truly shared intimacy involves both or all people involved sharing and being shared with. Shared intimacy requires all people involved be open and receptive, vulnerable, trusting and trustworthy, sharing and communicating together, not just one person.

Intimacy: Whys, Hows, How-Nots, So-Nots
In a Heartbeat: Animated Gay Love Story

Four Weddings and a Funeral: Funeral Scene

Tyler and Matthew's Wedding

Video Advice: Unique LGBTQ Dating Problems

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

Fans of Love: Love Has No Labels

Video Love Story: How We Met

People Reveal Their Definitions of Love

Kiss Cam: Girls Kissing Girls

Psychology Today: Love and Relationships

Marlene and Carrie's Wedding

Short LGBTQ Film: Let Me Love You

Tea for Two: Can Two Strangers Fall in Love?

Love is Love by Starley

Real Love

There is an unfortunate misconception among some members of society that LGBTQ couples want sex and straight couples want love. That narrow-minded view regards same-sex couples as being guided by lustful desires, while heterosexual couples, motivated by purer intentions, are oriented towards real relationships. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

LGBTQ people are no different in their pursuit of love and relationships than straight people. The myopic focus on just the physical sex act is ignorant and insulting, and totally misses the point. That kind of skewed perspective views the love and affection of same-sex couples as illegitimate, less valid, less real. Such an opinion devalues and dismisses the caring, affection and romance that is exchanged between two people who are truly in love with each other.

Boy George is quoted as saying, "There's this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That's completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved."

According to the website, AllRiot, "As an integral part of human society, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersex individuals have the right to free expression, free love, and yes, overpriced wedding cakes. We should have the freedom to choose a partner. Love is all around, and your choice of who to share it with is more important than the orifice you choose to use."

As society becomes more educated and open-minded on the subject, hopefully it will soon come to understand that love is love, and that real love is experienced by all definitions and manifestations of relationships. With a more enlightened insight into the personal lives of everyday LGBTQ people, society will begin to see that same-sex interactions are more than just the physical sex act and more than what couples do in bed.

In the LGBTQ community, deep, genuine love is an important and profound element of a real, day-to-day, committed relationship. As with any serious relationship, LGBTQ couples seek to enjoy a loving bond based on mutual respect, emotional depth, and spiritual connectedness.

Could It Be I'm Falling in Love

Video Advice: Honesty and Tenderness in Loving Relationships

Info: Making Love

TED Talks: Love is Love

Video Story: Lover's Night Routine

How Do You Know It's Love?

Wikipedia: Love

Madison and Erin: Oregon Wedding

Love is Love Photography Project

Info: Let's Talk About Sex

People Reveal Their Definitions of Love

Ancient Greeks: Seven Words for Love

Kia and Tanika's Wedding

Billboard: Love Letters to the LGBTQ Community

The Ultimate Wedding Party

Video: Alternative Words for Love

Love is in the Air

Five couples share their secrets to a long, happy, and healthy relationship...

--Nelson Roman and his partner Manny Hernandez

--John Trobaugh and his husband Jeroan Allison

--Mason Dunn and his wife Lauren Willford

--Andi Wheeler and her fianc�e Meredith Munn

--Paul Fahey and his partner Benny Chan

When asked about the secret to a healthy relationship. Roman and Hernandez, who have been together for over six months, said many ingredients go into the recipe of relationships. �To me, the secret to any relationship begins with trust,� Roman said. �Add in some respect, genuine friendship, open and honest communication, fun, laughter, romance, and random acts of showing each other you love one another, and you should have the foundation.� �It all begins with communication,� Hernandez added.

Fahey, who has been with Chan since July of 2014, said communication was the key to getting through the good and bad times. �Obviously openness and honesty is important, but just as much so are those occasions where one or both of us makes a mistake and has to address something that can be embarrassing or painful,� he said.

Trobaugh, who has been with his husband for 25 years and has a 10-year-old son named Ryan, said that acting out of love and compromise were most important. �People say love is a verb and I believe it,� Trobaugh said. �When we were just friends and dating we made sure that our core values were in line with each other�s. We both have a strong sense of contributing to society and giving back in a variety of ways.�

Andi Wheeler, speaking of her fianc�e Meredith Munn, said making space for your significant other to grow is �super important.� �Being part of a couple is wonderful and fun, but it�s also important to grow as separate individuals,� Wheeler said. �If you hold your partner back or put your own needs on the back burner, it can hurt the relationship.�

For Dunn and Willford, who met at summer camp while in college, the �secret� is no secret at all. �I don�t think it�s as easy as one thing, nor should it be a secret,� Dunn said. �For us, it�s been about communication, patience, and authenticity.� Willford believes a strong relationship requires something deeper. �One of the secrets for us is that while we are partners, we started out, 11 years ago, as friends,� Willford said. �Her compassion is towards the top of my list,� Dunn said of Willford when discussing their long-last relationship. �She has a never-ending well of kindness and compassion that extends to children, animals, and people.� Willford said she loved Dunn�s work ethic and drive. �He�s not afraid of challenges, or getting into the struggle of problem solving,� Willford said. �He�s a bit of a perfectionist, but he works hard to bring out the best in everything he puts his mind to.�

Trobaugh said the differences between he and Allison were what attracted them to each other. �Our personalities couldn�t be more different,� Trobaugh said. �I�m an artist and he is a scientist. My favorite part of my husband�s personality is his genuine inquisitive nature.� He said Allison is prone to asking questions to get to the root cause of a problem or a bad mood or simply commit a random act of kindness.

Fahey said he admires Chan�s sense of humor and his approach to life. �He is passionate about travel, which we share, and music, which we don�t,� Fahey said. �I love seeing him express that passion and share those feelings with me. I do the same with him about books and politics.�

Wheeler said she is fortunate to have a fianc�e with an ability to prepare for the future. �She�s always working to make our future together better,� Wheeler said. �She�s able to see how things will evolve and do the planning that I�m so bad at. We have such a bright future together and it�s all because of her.�

Roman agreed that Hernandez�s sense of humor is important. �He knows how to make me smile and laugh,� he said. Hernandez said he found Roman�s youthful and passionate spirit the most attractive and that the personality traits were so numerous he didn�t know where to begin. �The first thing that comes to mind is Nelson�s sincere heart,� Hernandez said. �Nelson continues to wear his heart on his sleeve. Also, Nelson has the heart of a child and like myself enjoys the simple things in life.�

[Source: Alex Gentile / Rainbow Times]

Crazy Love

Love is insane. Really. Finally there is scientific validation for the insanity one feels when we fall in love. Researchers have discovered that the brain's chemistry of infatuation is akin to mental illness, which gives new meaning to the phrase "falling madly in love."

The research findings, reported in National Geographic, found that the cocktail of brain chemicals that spark romance are not the same as the ones that foster long-term commitments. So, every year as we celebrate Valentine's Day, we might want to think (which is almost impossible when one's brain is flooded with the delirium of passion) about the longer-term consequences of our libidinous desires.

Those who have felt the unrelenting craziness of passionate love know that reason and reality fly out the window once one's true love enters the scene. Work, bill paying, responsibilities, sleep (even getting regular food) can all fall apart, and we find we have unlimited energies to devote to our beloved. The good news is that the brain has a built in protection mechanism. The insanity doesn't last.

Researchers found that the brains of people in love respond similarly to when it gets a surge of dopamine. Cocaine users describe an increasing tolerance for the drug as time goes by, and a need for more and more of a fix, and lovers' brains do the same thing. After a while the high just wears off. Although the loss of the rush can be a letdown, for those who need to hold down a job and keep the utilities on, it is probably a good thing.

That is not to say that passionate love cannot morph into long-term happiness. Many couples in the studies reported that their first blush of passion was overwhelming, but that as time went on the irresistible urge to bed each other became tempered by another desire, to talk to each other and spend time having fun together in other ways. The relationships that stand the test of time are the ones in which the lovers discover that they actually like each other, as well as drive each other mad with desire.

As each of you celebrate this day of love, we encourage you to enjoy the unquenchable thirst that our brain chemistry provides when we find the one that turns us into that lunatic we hardly recognize as ourselves. Relax and enjoy it. It should be a relief to know that you are not permanently insane, just crazy in love.

And if you're lucky in love too, the one that drives you mad between the sheets will be the same person that you like to talk to across the dinner table.

[Source: PrideSource, 2006, Between The Lines News]

Intimacy: Whys, Hows, How-Nots, So-Nots
In a Heartbeat: Animated Gay Love Story

Video Love Story: How We Met

Four Weddings and a Funeral: Funeral Scene

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

Justin and Jo's Wedding

Tea for Two: Can Two Strangers Fall in Love?

Psychology Today: Love and Relationships

Video Advice: What Should We Expect From Love?

Could It Be I'm Falling in Love

Fans of Love: Love Has No Labels

TED Talks: Love is Love