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When You Discover Your Partner is Gay
Many gay men and women end up marrying people of the
opposite sex. But what is it like for the spouse who
eventually finds their marriage breaking down?
According to one comment that is typical in these
circumstances, "They may go on and have a wonderful new
life while leaving a crushed wife behind. You just feel
like your whole life is wasted and there's no closure."
One of the most difficult things for many spouses is
watching their former partner being celebrated as brave
for coming out, but knowing the damage they've left
behind.
Grace and Frankie: A New Kind
of Divorce Comedy
In the Netflix TV series,
Grace and Frankie, which first aired in 2015,
Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin star as women whose husbands
both confess their infidelity and sexuality. When Martin Sheen’s character, Robert, breaks up
with Jane Fonda’s Grace over dinner in the first moments
of the first episode, viewers think they can already
guess what’s to come. But they'd be wrong. There’s
a twist to this relationship’s end. Robert is leaving his
wife for the man who’s across the table: his law partner
Sol (Sam Waterston), sitting next to his own wife,
Frankie (Lily Tomlin). The two men have carried on an
affair with each other for 20 years, unbeknown to and behind the backs of
their wives.
So, Grace and Frankie is
about, among other things, what happens when you
discover your spouse is gay. The interplay between the
relatively novel premise and the all-too-familiar
material gives the show some edge. Is being ditched in
your golden years because of sexual orientation all that
different from being ditched because passions have
dimmed, or because your husband was sleeping with
another woman? At first, it doesn’t seem different at
all.
But soon, it sinks in that this is a very specific shock
hitting very specific people. "I’m feeling like the last
40 years have been a fraud," Grace says, to which Robert
expresses mystification that she doesn’t take the
breakup as a relief: She never loved him in the first
place. Frankie and Sol, on the other hand, really did
have a deep bond; for them and their kids, the end of
the marriage might mean the end of blissful times spent
at farmer’s markets, movie nights, and Jewish holidays.
Meanwhile, the men excitedly start a new life together.
Sol at one point tells Robert he feels guilty for
leaving Frankie, saying, "You know what makes it worse?
I’m so fucking happy." But Robert refuses to agonize; he
did enough of that when he was playing straight.
Grace and Frankie joins a pop-culture rash of
stories about people coming out as something other than
what their loved ones thought they were, late in life.
As queer acceptance rises, the frequency of tales like
these in real life and on screen is bound to rise as
well. In Grace and Frankie, the uncloseting
happens as the direct result of same-sex marriage
becoming legal. Often, the people affected by the
coming-out receive as much or more attention than the
person who’s actually coming out. This focus on how
LGBTQ liberation affects everyone else might strike some
as insensitive, but it’s probably necessary when society
has led so many relationships to be built on repressed
truths.
In Grace and Frankie, the emphasis on the title
characters allows the show to be somewhat radical on yet
another front: portraying the tough position that single
older women can find themselves in. Boomer icons Fonda
and Tomlin play into some grandmotherly stereotypes
(ongoing gags about hearing loss, bad backs,
and the difficulties of text messaging) but also
fiercely defy how circumstances and society
treats them. The show methodically chronicles the stages
of the women's nightmare: First, they face emotional
shock; then, financial and legal indignities; then,
boredom, lack of purpose, and invisibility. How will
they overcome? The question feels fresh, even if not all
the jokes do.
[Source: Spencer Kornheber, The Atlantic, May 2015]
Netflix
TV Series: Grace and Frankie
Grace and
Frankie: New Twist on the Odd Couple
Wikipedia: Grace and Frankie
Grace & Frankie
and Transparent: Discovering Sexuality Late in Life
IMDB:
Grace and Frankie
Rotten Tomatoes: Grace and Frankie
The Problem With Grace and Frankie
When Your Spouse Reveals His/Her True Sexual Orientation
You've had your suspicions. Your
normal sexual appetite is considered by your mate to be
excessive. Your spouse doesn't want to have anything to
do with you sexually and acts repulsed by sexual
activity. Your partner becomes more and more secretive
and moody. You notice him/her looking at people of the
same sex differently.
Then you discover the truth and learn that your spouse
is gay or bisexual. As your world turns upside down, and
as your partner 'comes out', you find yourself shoved in
the closet. Although you may feel alone, isolated and
shamed, you are none of these.
Statistics Concerning Mixed Orientation Couples
Mixed orientation couples means that one spouse is
either gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. According
to the Straight Spouse Network, it is estimated that
there are up to 2 million mixed orientation couples.
According to Amity Buxton of the Straight Spouse
Network, "When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse
comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately;
another third stay together for one to two years,
sorting out what to do and then divorce; the remaining
third try to make their marriages work. A half of these
couples divorce, while half of them (17% of the total)
stay together for three or more years."
Huff Post: Women Share the Moment They Found Out
Their Husbands Were Gay
Video Story: Coming Out to My Wife and Kids
BBC News: How I Found Out My Partner Was Gay
Female Celebrities Who Left Men For Women
Info: Monogamous Relationships
Straight Spouse Network: Discovering Your Spouse Isn't
Straight
Jason Collins' Ex-Fiancee: I Invested 8 Years
NPR: Place for Straight Spouses After Their Mate Comes
Out
Video Talk: Coming Out to My Husband
Info: On The Down Low
How Three Gay Dads Found Peace With Their
Ex-Wives After Coming Out
TED Talk: Straight Spouse Speaks Out
Video Story: I Married a Gay Guy
Statistics from the
Family Pride Coalition
--2-4 million mixed orientation couples, and more than
80% get divorced
--3.5 million children are born to mixed-orientation
couples
--20 percent of all gay men in
America are in a heterosexual marriage
--50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered
children
--40 percent of all lesbians in America are married to
a male partner
--75 percent of all lesbians have children
Huff Post: Women Share the Moment They Found Out
Their Husbands Were Gay
Video Documentary: I Married a Gay Guy
BBC News: How I Found Out My Partner Was Gay
Straight Spouse Network: Discovering Your Spouse Isn't
Straight
NPR: Place for Straight Spouses After Their Mate Comes
Out
Video Talk: Coming Out to My Husband
Jason Collins' Ex-Fiancee: I Invested 8 Years
How Three Gay Dads Found Peace With Their
Ex-Wives After Coming Out
Info: On The Down
Low
Video Story: Coming Out to My Wife and Kids
TED Talk: Straight Spouse Speaks Out
Key Issues Facing a Straight Spouse
--Sexual rejection
--Damaged sexual self-esteem
--Questions like "what did I do to cause this?" or "am I
not masculine/feminine enough?"
--Low self-image and a high level of self-doubt
--Concern about the children (How will they handle the
news? What about the gay influence when they stay with
their gay parent?)
--Shattered beliefs after living a lie
--Confusion about marriage and whether it is worth
saving
--Fear of having your family torn apart
--Hurt over being violated and lied to
--Handling feelings of rage, bitterness, fear, shock,
despair, devastation, repulsion, hurt and anger
--Questions about infidelity
--Coping with shame, secrecy and a fear of lack of
acceptance
--Dealing with a gay spouse who doesn't want to limit
sexual preference
--Fear of having been exposed to or having contracted
sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS
Range of Emotional Responses of Straight Spouses
Shocked... Alone... Isolated...
Betrayed... Confused... Relieved... Hurt... Disbelief...
Bitter... Empathic... Self-blame... Shattered trust...
Panic... Guilt... Disappointment... Fear... Anger...
Rage... Shame... Denial... Despair... Devastation...
Repulsion... Victimized... Entitled... Acceptance
Huff Post: Women Share the Moment They Found Out
Their Husbands Were Gay
Female Celebrities Who Left Men For Women
Video Story: I Married a Gay Guy
BBC News: How I Found Out My Partner Was Gay
Info: Monogamous Relationships
Gay Man Staying Married to His Wife
Straight Spouse Network: Discovering Your Spouse Isn't
Straight
NPR: Place for Straight Spouses After Their Mate Comes
Out
Video Talk: Coming Out to My Husband
Info: On The Down Low
Video Story: Coming Out to My Wife and Kids
TED Talk: Straight Spouse Speaks Out
Things to Do and Not to Do
--Don't isolate yourself. Your family is in crisis.
Seek out a support group or professional help.
--Decide what you both can and cannot live with. Some
people can look past sexual preference and some can't.
--Don't assume that your marriage is over. Some
straight/gay marriages are happy unions. However,
studies show that out of 15% of couples who try to make
it work, only about 7% make it long term after learning
one spouse is gay.
--Accept that it takes two to make a marriage. One
spouse can't save a marriage alone.
--Get checked immediately for sexually transmitted
diseases whether or not your partner admits to any
sexual infidelity.
--Remember that no one can turn a person gay.
--Do take care of yourself as you go through the
grieving process. Your marriage as you knew it is over.
If you stay married, it will be changed. Try to accept
this reality and move on with your lives.
--Telling your children depends on their age and
understanding. You may need professional guidance to
deal with this. It is important for them to feel loved
and secure and that they know they are not to blame for
the situation.
--Don't let the years of
deception and the sense of betrayal take away from the
good times and the positive memories you had in your
marriage.
This is Not Your Fault
Although the trauma of being a straight spouse can be
overwhelming, it is important to realize that the
situation you find yourself in is not your fault.
The first year will probably be the toughest. Faced with
this life-changing experience, you and your spouse can
make life-giving decisions for you marriage, for one
another, and for your children.
These decisions may mean the end of your marriage. Some
couples stay married and some don't. Moving on and
letting go will take time and it will take a willingness
to forgive.
[Source:
Sheri Stritof / About Relationships]
Huff Post: Women Share the Moment They Found Out
Their Husbands Were Gay
BBC News: How I Found Out My Partner Was Gay
Info: Monogamous Relationships
How Three Gay Dads Found Peace With Their
Ex-Wives After Coming Out
Gay Man Staying Married to His Wife
Straight Spouse Network: Discovering Your Spouse Isn't
Straight
NPR: Place for Straight Spouses After Their Mate Comes
Out
I Came Out to My Wife as Trans
About Relationships: When Your Spouse Reveals True
Sexual Orientation
Info: On The Down Low
TED Talk: Straight Spouse Speaks Out
Mixed Orientation Marriage (MOM): Support and
Encouragement
Comments From Straight Spouses
“I felt I was not an adequate man. It completely
destroyed my self image”
-Dan, whose ex-wife is a lesbian
“We’ve survived 7 years of marriage by tolerating the
ambivalence of what we are and the uncertainty of what
could happen”
-Barbara, whose husband is
bisexual
“Being a ‘straight spouse’ does not automatically mean
ending your marriage. It does mean you have to decide
what’s important to you, how flexible you are willing to
be, and how committed you and your partner are to each
other and the marriage”
-Miriam, wife of a male-to-female trans partner
“I was doubly traumatized by the deceit. I thought, ‘How
could I have missed the signals?’”
-Wes, whose ex-wife is a lesbian
“My deep rage persists to this day, five years later.
Anger is my only connection to Tim’s gayness.”
-Moira, whose husband is gay
“Everything I thought I understood was wrong. My
memories of our marriage and our life together lost
their meaning. It was like I had fallen off a cliff and
there was no bottom.”
-Anna Marie, whose husband is gay
“I have met and learned to appreciate the men that he
loves, who have helped him become a much happier and
whole person. The days of depression and anger are gone.
The days of rejecting me sexually are gone.”
-Paula, whose husband is gay
“My wife chose to act on her
deviant desires, lose her faith and everything she has
ever pretended to be, and we will get divorced from the
results.”
-Joe, whose wife is a lesbian
“I was able to accept that he was gay and be supportive
of his decision to leave once I knew that he was gay. It
took a lot longer for me to get over being angry that it
took him a year to tell me the truth. His secrecy was a
personal affront and said to me he did not trust me.”
-Sandra, whose husband is gay
“Why wasn’t there any intimacy? What was wrong with me?
Why was he depressed? What was he withdrawn? Why did he
think he was in a prison?”
-Amity, founder of Straight Spouse Network, whose
husband of 25 years came out after they separated
[Source:
Gary Williams and Anita Neuer]
NPR: Place for Straight Spouses After Their Mate Comes
Out
Info: Monogamous Relationships
TED Talk: Straight Spouse Speaks Out
I Came Out to My Wife as Trans
Info: On The Down Low
How Three Gay Dads Found Peace With Their
Ex-Wives After Coming Out
About Relationships: When Your Spouse Reveals True
Sexual Orientation
Mixed Orientation Marriage (MOM): Support and
Encouragement
Jason Collins' Ex-Fiancee: I Invested 8 Years
Recovering From the Shock
When a spouse reveals his or her
true sexual orientation, it can be very traumatic for
the partner. A process of healing or recovery is
required. Here are the typical stages of recovery for a
spouse who discovers that his or her partner is gay:
Stage One: Disorientation - Disorientation, disbelief,
denial, and often relief.
Stage Two: Acknowledgement - Facing and acknowledging
the reality of the partner's sexual orientation (or
gender identity), the spouses' own pain, and changes in
their life resulting from the disclosure.
Stage Three: Acceptance - Accepting present reality and
realizing the irreversibility of the new aspects of the
partner even if the marriage might continue.
Stage Four: Release - Letting go of past assumptions
about themselves, their marriage, and their partner.
Stage Five: Identity Healing - Healing their own
identity and integrity including self worth and value
system.
Stage Six: New Normal - Reconfiguring and refocusing
themselves to view their situation in perspective and
formulate a belief system with meaning and purpose.
Stage Seven: Transformation - Transforming their lives
based on their reconfigured worldview.
[Source:
A.P. Buxton, Paths and Pitfalls: How Heterosexual
Spouses Cope When their Husbands or Wives Come out,"
Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 2004. Also,
J. J. Bigner and J. L. Wetchler, Relationship Therapy
with Same-Sex Couples]
Organizations
Family Pride
Coalition
Straight Spouse Network
Children of Lesbian and
Gays Everywhere (COLAGE)
Publications
The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Pierce Buxton
Married Women Who Love Women by Carren Strock
Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder by Bonnie
Kaye, MEd
Uncommon Lives: Gay Men and Straight Women by Catherine
Whitney
In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant
Husbands who Love Men: Deceit, Disease, Despair by Aileen
Atwood, RN, EdD
Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love with a
Woman by Joanne Fleisher
My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Guide to Surviving the
Crisis by Carol Grever
Silent Partner by Dina Matos McGreevey
Huff Post: Women Share the Moment They Found Out
Their Husbands Were Gay
Video Documentary: I Married a Gay Guy
BBC News: How I Found Out My Partner Was Gay
Jason Collins' Ex-Fiancee: I Invested 8 Years
Info: Monogamous Relationships
Straight Spouse Network: Discovering Your Spouse Isn't
Straight
Video Story: I Married a Gay Guy
NPR: Place for Straight Spouses After Their Mate Comes
Out
Video Talk: Coming Out to My Husband
Info: On The Down Low
Video Story: Coming Out to My Wife and Kids
TED Talk: Straight Spouse Speaks Out
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