Queer Cafe

Is Non-Monogamy For Me?
Study Reveals Monogamous and Open Relationships are Equally Fulfilling
Habits That Keep Couples Faithful

Monogamous and Non-Monogamous Lesbians

How a Grass-Is-Greener Mentality Ruined My First Queer Relationship

Terminology

Monogamy - Having a single long-term sexual partner
Commitment Marriage - Non-legal marriage binding two people together with the use of a traditional wedding ring opposed to legal documents
Marriage - Legal and social binding between two people that stretches beyond the boundaries of a committed relationship
Adultery - General term referring to infidelity, cheating, or extramarital affairs

Sexual Infidelity - Having a sexual relationship without a commitment to have no other sexual partners
Sexual Fidelity - Not having other sexual partners other than one's committed partner, even temporarily
Serial Monogamy - Having a series of monogamous relationships, one after the other
Open Relationship - Commitment to a partner without excluding other romantic or sexual involvement
Polygamy - Having multiple long-term sexual partners
Polyandry - Having multiple long-term male sexual partners
Polygyny - Having multiple long-term female sexual partners
Polyamory - Practice of intimate relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners
Promiscuity - Having several different sexual partners on a casual basis (one night stand)

Abstinence - Voluntary self-enforced limit or restraint in engaging in any type of sexual intercourse or sex play with a partner
Celibacy - State of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons

Virginity - State of never having had sexual intercourse

Chastity - State or practice of refraining from extramarital, or especially from all, sexual intercourse

Definition and Discussion of Monogamy

Video: Monogamy Explained

Signs That a Monogamous Relationship is Not for You

Rethinking Monogamy

Video: Defining Monogamy

Why You Should (and Should Not) Be Monogamous

Info: LGBTQ Relationships

Commitment Survey: Queer Female Relationships

Committed Relationship

On a scale that describes your commitment style, your relationship could be defined as ... casual ... polyamorous ... or monogamous.

A committed relationship is an interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving love, trust, honesty, openness, or some other agreed-upon behavior. Forms of committed relationships are: close friendship, long-term relationships, engagement, marriage, and civil unions. The term is most commonly used with informal relationships, such as "going steady," but may encompass any relationship where an expressed commitment is involved.

At the top of nearly every survey about what singles want in a partner is a person who is faithful, loyal, and trustworthy. In other words, singles in a committed relationship want someone who will not cheat on them.

Pink: Gay Millennials Love Monogamy

Beyond the U-Haul: Lesbians in Committed Relationships

Definition: Virginity

Info: Same Sex Marriage

Out: Gay Men Opposed to Open Relationships?

Commitment Survey: Queer Female Relationships

Advocate: Gay Marriage, Monogamy, and the Lure of Open Relationships

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Unfortunately, the reality of that desire often comes to a painful end as time goes on. Accurate statistics are hard to come by (because lots of people don’t want to admit to cheating), but researchers agree that 30 to 50 percent of men and 20 to 40 percent of women are unfaithful. Can you ever know for sure that your partner won’t cheat? No, because people and circumstances change over time.

Despite what most people seem to think, falling in love does not guarantee loyalty – from either party. Falling in love doesn’t even guarantee staying in love, so even if the apple of your eye is the only apple you see, it doesn’t guarantee that you won’t want to have an orange some time down the line. Love is a living, breathing thing that requires constant attention and nurturing. With that said, it’s easily understandable that there will come a time when your loyalty is tested. There will be a time when you will have to make a decision to either remain faithful or have a bite of the forbidden fruit.

Emotional fidelity simply means that one remains emotionally faithful by not being too flirtatious or provocative with another person. Thus, instead of spending emotional capital by even innocently flirting with someone other than your spouse, that “currency” should be spent in the emotional economy of your marriage (or committed relationship).

Habits That Keep Couples Faithful

Video: Defining Monogamy

Why You Should (and Should Not) Be Monogamous

What Does Being Faithful Mean?

Being Faithful in the Hook-Up Culture

Reasons for Being (And Staying) Monogamous

Habits That Keep Couples Faithful

Getting cheated on is probably one of the worst things that can happen to you when you're in a relationship. Even if you make the choice to leave, it's hard to get over the feelings of betrayal infidelity usually leaves you with. Although there are no ways to predict what will happen in your relationship, cheating doesn't have to be one of them. But luckily, marriage counselors say you can learn how to keep your partner from cheating.

Experts say that this doesn't mean you should employ manipulative tactics, but rather devote the time and care into your relationship to make sure your partner knows how you feel. "Everyone is susceptible to an affair because we need this connection. We need to feel like we matter, are cared for, and loved by our partner," Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist, Jessica Schroeder, states. "I have seen really great marriages become affected by affairs because the emotional connection has gone away. We need to work at maintaining the emotional connection every day in our marriage."

Relationships, like anything of importance in life, take serious work. If you're not staying connected through communication or other means, experts say your relationship won't last. It won't matter whether someone cheated or not. So if you want to keep fidelity part of your relationship, here's what you should do, according to marriage counselors.

Ways to Know If Your Partner Will Be Faithful

How Faithful Are You in Your Marriage?

Study Reveals Monogamous and Open Relationships are Equally Fulfilling

Info: Asexuality

TED Talk: Is Casual Sex Bad For You?

Monogamy vs. Non-Monogamy

Terminology: Monogamous and Non-Monogamous Relationships
Definition: Virginity

Be Honest About What You Need - "Couples who are open with each other create a more secure environment for their partners," Judi Cinéas, PhD, psychotherapist and marriage counselor, says. Many times, people stray from their relationships because they're searching for something they just don't get at home. "Fostering open communication allows you and your partner to know each other and know each other’s wants and needs," Cinéas says. "It also creates a space where your partner can communicate their desires."

Be Open-Minded - Although Cinéas says that doesn't mean you have to go along with anything sexual you're not comfortable with, it's important to not shut your partner down down or judge them. Show that you are listening, and keep an open discussion about what can work for the both of you. "Keep an open mind to nurture excitement in your relationship," she says. "You don’t necessarily have to go against your values or give up your dealbreakers. It simply means that you will listen and continue to work with your partner to keep things exciting."

Be Mindful To Never Put Them Down - Don't ever use your partner's faults, flaws, or insecurities against them in any way, especially during fights. "If your partner asks for something, even if you are not willing to give that to them, don’t make the feel bad for asking and don’t hold it against them ever," Cinéas says. Opening up and being vulnerable requires a lot of risk. "If they know that telling you certain things could change the way you see them, they may be less willing to share in the future." Always make sure you're letting your partner know you value them.

Habits That Keep Couples Faithful

Video: Defining Monogamy

My Husband Was Cheating With A Man: So We Made An Unexpected Life-Changing Decision

Why You Should (and Should Not) Be Monogamous

What Does Being Faithful Mean?

How a Grass-Is-Greener Mentality Ruined My First Queer Relationship

Being Faithful in the Hook-Up Culture

Share Experiences Together - Sharing experiences in and out of the bedroom can strengthen the bond you have together. "The strength of your bond can impact how or even whether or not you and your needs are considered in your partner’s decisions, choices and behaviors," Cinéas says.

Keep Your Relationship And Your Partner A Priority - People often stray when they're in search of the validation that they're desired, Cinéas says. Typically, those feelings of passion and desire are super prevalent in the beginning of the relationship when everything's new. If you want to limit the risk of your partner cheating, maintain the passion in your relationship by making your partner feel like they're a priority in your life. "Helping to meet that need to be desired can remove what is often cited a reason for infidelity," she says.

Always Respect Yourself And Your Partner - Respect for yourself and your partner are also very crucial to maintaining a relationship, Cinéas says. If you don't respect your partner, you'll lose them. It's that simple. If you're not giving them the respect they need, they're more likely to look for it elsewhere.

Don't Get Complacent - "Don’t think that just because you think everything is going great, your partner feels the same," Lesli Doares, marriage counselor and author, explains. Make sure to keep talking about what's working and what, if anything, needs tweaking in your relationship. "This conversation needs to be had regularly but is critical after any major change (a move, new job, the birth of a child)." Never stop putting in the effort to deepen and strengthen your relationship.

Getting cheated on is never your fault. According to Doares, even if you've found a good partner, any relationship can become vulnerable to cheating. It's just important to never take your partner or your relationship for granted. Life can get in the way sometimes and your relationship can be put on the back-burner. But if you make the commitment to stay connected and communicate well, you can reduce the risk of infidelity in your relationship.

[Source: Kristine Fellizar, Bustle, Feb 2018]

Reasons for Being (And Staying) Monogamous

Ways to Know If Your Partner Will Be Faithful

How Faithful Are You in Your Marriage?

Info: Asexuality

Monogamy vs. Non-Monogamy

Terminology: Monogamous and Non-Monogamous Relationships
Monogamous Mike

Fidelity, Loyalty, Trust

Words that help define a loving relationship.... fidelity, loyalty, commitment, trust, respect, honesty, consistency.

A committed relationship is an interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving love, trust, loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, and openness. Forms of committed relationships include close friendship, long-term relationships, long-term dating, going steady, engagement, marriage, and civil unions.

Fidelity is the quality of faithfulness or loyalty. Loyalty means your spouse or partner has an unbreakable feeling of adherence, devotion, support and admiration to you, and will stand by your side, even go through hell with you if that is what is necessary. Fidelity (faithfulness) simply means keeping the promises she/he made to you.

Perhaps loyalty is bigger than fidelity. While being unfaithful is about someone who breaks promises, being disloyalty is about someone who will leave me when circumstances change or things get rough.

Monogamy vs. Non-Monogamy

Terminology: Monogamous and Non-Monogamous Relationships

Reasons for Being (And Staying) Monogamous

Monogamous Mike

Beyond the U-Haul: Lesbians in Committed Relationships

Info: Same Sex Marriage

Out: Gay Men Opposed to Open Relationships?

Advocate: Gay Marriage, Monogamy, and the Lure of Open Relationships

Loyalty means your spouse or partner has your back, believes in you, and wants to help you become your best. Fidelity means your spouse is not having sex with others, not wanting sex with others, and doesn't flirt with others. They are two qualities most people look for, along with honesty, in their spouse.

What does trust mean? Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something that two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to commit to each other.

Is my spouse or partner consistent with me? Am I consistent with them? Each person in a relationship demonstrates their trustworthiness through consistency in their actions. The first behaviors you look at might be relatively small, like showing up for dates at agreed-upon times. Keeping private information just between the two of you and always respecting boundaries are other clues someone is dependable. Learning these things in a relationship happens gradually, as you both show that you are consistent with your actions not just occasionally, but all the time.

Slate: Gay Men and Monogamy

Gay and Lesbian Relationships: Monogamous Ever After?

Huff Post: Is Monogamy Among Gay Men the New Normal?

Study Reveals Monogamous and Open Relationships are Equally Fulfilling

Habits That Keep Couples Faithful

Monogamous and Non-Monogamous Lesbians

How a Grass-Is-Greener Mentality Ruined My First Queer Relationship

Fidelity in Relationships

Fidelity is one of the most stressed aspects of a relationship. Fidelity or loyalty boils down to the same thing; you both have agreed that your partner has your love, affection and commitment over other potential partners. Fidelity can be a complicated thing though, especially if one partner considers a certain act to be cheating, while the other partner doesn't see the big deal.

Physical Fidelity - Physical fidelity is perhaps the easiest type of fidelity to measure. If two partners are in a committed relationship, it means that they won't have sex with other people. Each relationship is different though, and the two people in it need to establish what is and what isn't considered a breech of physical fidelity. For instance, is it all right for a woman to kiss her ex hello, even if it's a traditional greeting where he comes from? Is it acceptable for a man to accept hugs from other women? These are the sorts of issues that, if left untended, can breed jealousy.

Emotional Fidelity - While it's a romantic notion that all you need is love, those who live in the real world know that isn't true. While being with your partner might fulfill some of your emotional needs, there is no relationship where your significant other can be everything to you. Emotional fidelity means that, even though you go and spend time with friends or co-workers, you don't allow your emotional attachment to those people to overcome the emotional fidelity you have to your partner. When emotional infidelity happens, partners have to work out the problems the same way they would if physical infidelity happened.

Pink: Gay Millennials Love Monogamy

Beyond the U-Haul: Lesbians in Committed Relationships

Definition: Virginity

Info: Same Sex Marriage

Out: Gay Men Opposed to Open Relationships?

My Husband Was Cheating With A Man: So We Made An Unexpected Life-Changing Decision

Commitment Survey: Queer Female Relationships

Advocate: Gay Marriage, Monogamy, and the Lure of Open Relationships

Open Relationships - One of the alternatives to traditional relationships is something called an open relationship. An open relationship functions off of the idea that human beings are not hard-wired to be with only a single partner, so they shouldn't try to be. Two people may admit that they are important to one another and that they love each other, but that's no reason they shouldn't have other close friends or lovers if they so choose, as long as those other lovers don't become more important than their partners. These relationships require communication between all partners.

Jealousy - Jealousy is a reaction to perceived infidelity. Let's say that one partner wants to go out and have lunch with his ex, who his current partner knows he still has feelings for. That sort of situation can lead to jealousy that he's spending time with his ex rather than his current partner. Jealousy can be corrosive to fidelity, and it even may push partners apart because the jealous partner will be seen as controlling or unreasonable.

Communication - The best way to maintain fidelity in a relationship is to communicate. Both partners have to learn to trust each other, and they have to be open and honest about their feelings and desires. If partners start keeping secrets or they don't really trust each other, then that is fertile ground for infidelity to occur. If the relationship can't be saved and partners don't want to commit to each other anymore, than it's usually best to end the relationship first, so each person is free to pursue other options.

[Source: By: Neal Litherland, Match.Com]

Monogamish

The Urban Dictionary defines monogamish as "a relationship that is mostly monogamous, but occasionally exceptions are made for sexual play with persons outside the relationship."

“My boyfriend and I are monogamish, so it's cool if you want to make out with me.”

According to Dan Savage, who coined the term, "It isn’t a word for people who want to sleep around whenever they feel like it without their partner knowing about it. Monogamish is more about an agreement that allows for one-off encounters in certain circumstances that have been previously agreed upon. You are committed to one person, but you can also play around from time-to-time."

Monogamish vs. Open Relationship

What It Really Means to be Monogamish

Info: Polyamory Lifestyle

Monogamish: Is It Cheating If We Agree on it First?

Dan Savage Video: Monogamy is Ridiculous

TED Talk: Unsexy Truth of Hookup Culture

Obscure Words for Infidelity

Virtues of Infidelity

Affair of the Heart

An affair is a romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship with someone other than your spouse or partner. Generally, affairs do not last long (though there are exceptions) and occur between two people who are not married or otherwise committed to one another. Sex may or may not be involved in an affair, and cyber affairs can happen between two people who may never even meet one another.

Typically, an affair is considered a betrayal of trust. It has the ability to cause significant distress in relationships and there are many reasons why people cheat on their partners. Affairs are commonly referred to as "adultery" among married couples and "infidelity" among common-law spouses and committed partners. An affair can go by other names as well, depending on the type of affair involved. Infidelity can even happen with same sex couples.

What's important to remember is that your definition of an affair is what matters most. Every person and every relationship is unique, and some couples may differ in the way they view this subject. There are different types of affairs. And infidelity doesn't necessarily have to involve sex. The most common types of affairs include: Romantic, Emotional, Cyber, Sanctioned.

Definition and Description of a Fling

Info: Polyamory

Gay Men in Open Relationships

Different Types of Affairs

Lesbian Couples and Emotional Cheating

Cuckhold or Adulteress

Info: On the Downlow

Having a Fling

"Fling" describes a brief sexual or romantic affair. The term comes from the manner in which individuals "throw" themselves into such affairs. Flings are consensual but fleeting unions. They are temporary expressions or explorations of attraction between two people.

Individuals in a fling are drawn to one another intensely, but their intimacy is not the same as love. More often, it is the product of physical lust or emotional connection.

Flings are sometimes regarded as insignificant and fun, but fleeting. They can be quickly forgotten. They may be the result of extramarital affairs, and can lead to serious consequences or regrets.

Flings often happen on vacation or in circumstances outside of normal daily routine. They are usually based in fantasy rather than reality. The experience is one of shared illusion and indulgence.

Flings are temporary but their effects can linger. When people romanticize a fling as powerful, deep or fulfilling, they may long to continue that relationship or reconnect. If the fling results in pregnancy or other serious outcome, it can affect one's life significantly.

Flings are temporary but their effects can linger. When people romanticize a fling as powerful, deep or fulfilling, they may long to continue that relationship or reconnect. If the fling results in pregnancy or other serious outcome, it can affect one's life significantly.

Flings are often tied to identity issues. For teens and adults alike, they may be a sign of sexual awakening or the need for change or independence. Flings may be an act of rebellion, a sexual experiment, a test of one's own attractiveness or the expression of romantic ideals.

Obscure Words for Infidelity

Definition and Description of a Fling

Gay Men in Open Relationships

Info: Polyamory

Different Types of Affairs

Counselor Advice: Long Term Affair or Marriage?

Cuckhold or Adulteress

Lesbian Couples and Emotional Cheating

Info: On the Downlow

TED Talk: Unsexy Truth of Hookup Culture

Having an Affair: Nightmare or Happy Ending?

My Husband Was Cheating With A Man: So We Made An Unexpected Life-Changing Decision

What does it mean to have a fling with someone?

Having a fling with someone means the relationship (if it can even be called that) is non-committal, there are no strings attached, you never expect it to get serious, and it not expected to last forever.

A fling would be a rather short term encounter (at least once, but could be several times and usually involving sex) with someone where little or no emotional commitment is really made to the other person by both (or at least one) of the people. One or both of these people may or may be be in a marriage or relationship at the time.

According to Heidi Fleiss, the Hollywood Madam, a fling is anything that lasts from two days to nine months. Anything shorter is a one-night stand, and anything longer is a long term relationship (or true love).

Fling - Brief sexual or romantic affair. Consensual but fleeting unions. Temporary expressions or explorations of attraction between two people.

Affair - Romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship with someone other than your spouse or partner. Covert extramarital activity.

Infidelity - Having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner. Being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. Unfaithfulness to a moral obligation. Disloyalty. Occurs when a person who is married or in a steady relationship has sex with another person.

Adultery - Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her lawful spouse. Another word for cheating (Cheating on your spouse with another person). Adultery isn't a crime, but some people consider it a sin.

Difference Between Infidelity and Adultery - Adultery is sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than their spouse while infidelity is unfaithfulness in marriage. it is the practice or instance of having a sexual or romantic affair with someone other than one's spouse, without the consent of the spouse.

Cuckholding - Archaic term for a man whose wife is unfaithful. Man who is aware of his wife’s infidelity and acquiesces to it. Man whose wife has sex with someone else. Man whose wife commits adultery. Husband of an adulterous wife

Hotwifing - Modern fetish term for wife-sharing. A hotwife is a married woman who has sexual relationships outside of her marriage, with the full knowledge and consent of her husband, who himself doesn’t have affairs. Wife-sharing arrangement or act of carrying out such affairs. The idea of hotwifing comes from the concept of a husband showing off and sharing his “hot wife.” The non-monogamous arrangement is related to a cuckolding fetish, and many (but not all) husbands in such a relationship refer to themselves as cuckolds or hotwifers.

Difference Between Hotwifing and Cheating - Consent. In a hotwife arrangement, the husband is fully aware and supportive of his wife’s affairs. In many cases, one spouse or the other even gains sexual arousal from the arrangement due to voyeurism, the thrill of doing something taboo, or an infidelity and/or jealousy fetish. Hotwifing isn’t exactly swinging because only one partner is having extramarital sex. One of the most important aspects though is that both partners are open and trusting with each other. It only works if both partners are mutually onboard.

Obscure Words for Infidelity

Definition and Description of a Fling

Guide to Non-Monogamous Relationships
Info: Polyamory

Gay Men in Open Relationships

Different Types of Affairs