Queer Cafe

Asexual Relationships and Romance

Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy
The Relationship Epiphany I Had When I Discovered I Was Asexual

Asexuality Defined

What is an asexual person? What does it mean to be asexual? Simply put, an asexual person is one who has no sexual feelings or desires to have physical intercourse with another person.

It’s estimated that 1% of the world population is asexual. That may not sound like a lot, but that’s roughly 77,000,000 people, just over the entire population of Canada and Poland combined. So it’s entirely likely that you’ve met asexual people and just not realized it.

Despite their disinterest in sex, asexual people can feel romantically, intellectually or emotionally attracted to people of one or more genders. And some asexual people don’t feel any such attractions at all. Such a person is called an aromantic asexual. While some asexuals are aromantic asexual, asexual dating still exists. Even an aromantic asexual and other asexuals can get into relationships or experience pleasure or arousal from physical contact

Contrary to popular misconception, asexual people feel different degrees of sexual and romantic attraction ranging from completely asexual and aromantic (“nonexistent”) to “existent” under certain circumstances. Also, how asexual people feel (their attraction) may sometimes be different from what they do (their actions).

Asexuality: Sex Education Clip

Asexual Visibility and Education Network

Comprehensive Asexual Info and Quiz

The Relationship Epiphany I Had When I Discovered I Was Asexual
Let's Talk: The Ace Community

Psychology Today: Brief Primer on Asexuality

All Your Questions Answered: What It's Like to be Asexual

PBS Interview: Asexuality

Video: Different Types of Asexuality

The 150 different types of asexuality on the asexual spectrum provide ways for people to specifically explain how attracted (or not) they are to sex and romance and why. Having these words can help people better understand their own experiences, help them understand that they’re not “weird” or “broken” and help them find a community so they feel less alone.

Regarding sexual orientations, some asexuals do not experience sexual attraction (asexual) and some do (sexual). Others may experience occasional sexual attraction (gray asexual or gray-sexual) or sexual attraction only after they’ve developed a strong emotional bond with someone (demisexual).

Are you asexual? Asking yourself a few questions can help you explore your feelings around sex and relationships.
--Do you now feel or have you ever felt sexually or physically aroused by people’s physical appearance or the idea of sexual touch?
--Have you ever felt like you don’t “get” sex? Have you ever felt pressured to express sexual desire towards others just to fit in?
--Does pursuing or having sex feel intrinsically rewarding to you or does sex seem uninteresting, unimportant, inconvenient or generally undesirable?
--Would abstinence or celibacy be difficult for you? Have you ever gone without sex for months or years? Is sex largely “take it or leave it” to you?
--Do you sometimes develop sexual feelings towards someone after you’ve developed other emotional and intellectual bonds with them?

Things You Should Never Say to an Asexual Person
I Am a Myth: An Asexuality Poem

Fifth Harmony’s Lauren Jauregui Says She Might Be Demisexual

What Do Asexuals Fantasize About?

Are Asexuals Part of the LGBTQ Community?

It's Okay to be Asexual

Ace and Aro Icons Who Revolutionized How We See Asexuality

What it's Like to Date When You're Asexual

Asexuality Notes

Asexuality is not...

Abstinence because of a bad relationship

Abstinence because of religious reasons

Celibacy or intentional virginity

Sexual repression, aversion, or dysfunction

Loss of libido due to age or circumstance

Fear of intimacy

Inability to find a partner

Asexual people might...

Want friendship, understanding, and empathy

Fall in love

Experience arousal and orgasm

Choose to masturbate

Choose to engage in sexual activity

Choose not to engage in sexual activity

Be of any gender, age, or background

Have a spouse and/or children

Ace and Aro Icons Who Revolutionized How We See Asexuality

People Who Don't Want to Fall in Love

Asexual and Aromantic Celebrities Paving the Way for Better Representation in Media

What Do Asexuals Want You to Know?

Famous People Who Are Asexual

Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy

Comprehensive Asexual Info and Quiz

Things You Should Never Say to an Asexual Person

Asexuality Myths

Myth: Asexuality can't really exist.

Fact: Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like hetero, gay, lesbian, bi, and pan.

Myth: You will eventually start having sex when the time is right for you.

Fact: You might never have sex. Love doesn't equal sex.

Myth: You really need to see a doctor about your condition.

Fact: There are many happy, healthy, relationships that don't involve sex.

Myth: This is just a phase. This will pass. Everyone wants sex sometimes.

Fact: Sexuality is fluid and exists on a spectrum. There are many different types of sexuality.

Myth: Sex is always a natural part of any adult relationship.

Fact: Sex and sexuality are complicated. Give yourself time and space to explore your feelings.

Asexual/Aromantic Books

--ACE: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

--Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe
--Radio Silence by Alice Oseman
--The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker
--How to Be Ace: A Memoir of Growing Up Asexual by Rebecca Burgess
--The Cybernetic Tea Shop by Meredith Katz
--Loveless by Alice Oseman
--All the Wrong Places by Ann Gallagher
--Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire
--Hazel's Theory of Evolution by Lisa Jenn Bigelow
--Let's Talk About Love by Claire Kann
--Being Ace: Anthology of Stories of Asexual Love and Connection, Edited by Cody Daigle-Orians

Queer 101: Ask an Asexual

How Coming Out as Asexual Made Me a More Joyful, Autonomous Person

Romance Tips From the Most Famous Ace

Isaac's Asexuality Will Be Major Storyline On Heartstopper Season 2
Asexuality: The Invisible Orientation

Video: Different Types of Asexuality

Video Talk: Things Asexual People Want You to Know

Asexual People Explain What Asexuality Means to Them

Video: Signs You Might Be Asexual

Video Talk: I am a Demisexual

Asexual Quiz

Understanding Asexuality

Relationships

Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Embrace: Asexuality-Focused Animated Short Film
Debunking Asexual and Aromantic Myths

Asexual People Explain What Asexuality Means to Them

Video: ABCs of Asexuality

Asexual and Aromantic Celebrities Paving the Way for Better Representation in Media

Asexual Dating Challenges

Video Talk: Being Asexual and Biromantic

Queer 101: Ask an Asexual

Attraction

Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal

For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.

[Source: Asexual Visibility & Education Network]

How Coming Out as Asexual Made Me a More Joyful, Autonomous Person

Fifth Harmony’s Lauren Jauregui Says She Might Be Demisexual

Asexual Relationships & the Ace Community

Ace and Aro Icons Who Revolutionized How We See Asexuality

The Relationship Epiphany I Had When I Discovered I Was Asexual

Chart: The Asexual Spectrum
Video Talk: I am a Demisexual

Psychology Today: Brief Primer on Asexuality

Video Talk: Things Asexual People Want You to Know

Asexuality Explained

People who identify as asexual don’t really feel sexual attraction towards anyone. They may think other people are physically attractive, or they may want to be in romantic relationships with people. But they’re not interested in having sex or doing sexual things with other people.

Asexuality has nothing to do with romantic attraction. Many asexual people feel romantically attracted to people, so they may identify as asexual, and also as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight. They just don’t feel any desire to act on these feelings in a sexual way.

Asexual people have emotional needs just like everyone else. Some asexual people have romantic relationships, and others aren’t interested in that. They get close to people or experience intimacy through ways other than sex.

There are varying degrees of asexuality based on the level and type of sexual activity an asexual engages in. Asexuals that are "Sex Repulsed" have no interest in sex whatsoever and never engage in sex. Asexuals that are "Sex Neutral" have a very casual or low interest in sex and may only engage in it to please their partner. Asexuals that are "Sex Positive" might actually engage in sex as a utilitarian act totally separate from sex within a purely romantic relationship.

Asexual Research

I'm Demisexual: Here's What I Want You To Know

Asexuality: Sex Education Clip

Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy

What is Demisexuality Really?
I Am a Myth: An Asexuality Poem

Asexual and Aromantic Celebrities Paving the Way for Better Representation in Media

Things You Should Never Say to an Asexual Person
Video Talk: Being Asexual and Biromantic

Asexuality: What You Should Know

Demisexual People Explain What Demisexuality Means to Them

There are also people who don’t feel romantic attraction or want to be in romantic relationships. They may identify as aromantic. Being aromantic and being asexual are two separate things.

Some asexual people do get aroused (turned on), but they don’t feel the desire to be sexual with other people. And some asexual people masturbate. But others may not feel arousal at all.

It’s totally normal to go through times when you don’t want to have sex, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re asexual. And asexuality is not the same thing as being celibate. Celibacy is a choice you make, and asexuality is a sexual identity (who you naturally are).

Like other sexual orientations, asexuality isn’t always black and white. There’s a spectrum between being sexual (having sexual attraction) and being asexual. Different people fall into different places on that spectrum. Some people who have very little sexual attraction to other people identify as gray-a. Some people who are only sexually attracted to people they’re in relationships with identify as demisexual.

There is nothing “wrong” with people who are asexual, and there’s no evidence to support that people are asexual because of any kind of mental health issue or psychological trauma. It’s actually kind of common. Some research says that 1 out of 100 adults is asexual.

[Source: Planned Parenthood]

Psychology Today: Brief Primer on Asexuality

Fifth Harmony’s Lauren Jauregui Says She Might Be Demisexual
Asexual People Explain What Asexuality Means to Them

I'm Demisexual: Here's What I Want You To Know

Video Talk: Coming Out as Ace

All Your Questions Answered: What It's Like to be Asexual

Video Talk: I am a Demisexual

Isaac's Asexuality Will Be Major Storyline On Heartstopper Season 2

PBS Interview: Asexuality

What it's Like to Date When You're Asexual

Demisexual People Explain What Demisexuality Means to Them

The Ace Spectrum

The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) has devised a useful model which can be helpful in understanding asexuality. This research-based model is called the Asexuality Spectrum. Asexuality can be understood in terms of Romantic Orientation and Sexual Orientation and the interplay between the two. It addresses the causes and effects of primary and secondary forms of sexual attraction and sexual desire.

An asexual person's romantic orientation may be described along a continuum as: heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic. (An aromantic person experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and/or a lack of interest in forming romantic relationships.)

An asexual person's sexual orientation may be described along a continuum as: asexual, gray area, demisexual, or sexual.

In between sexuality (persons who experience sexual attraction) and asexuality (persons who do not experience sexual attraction), there is a fluid or gray area that is described by this model.

"Gray Area" or "Gray-A" is a term used to describe a person who is both sexual and asexual. Other terms used are "graysexual" or "hyposexual" or "semisexual" or "asexualish" or "sexualish."

"Demisexual" is a term used to describe a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with somebody. It is commonly seen in, but not confined to, romantic relationships. Demisexuality refers to an orientation between sexual and asexual.

Asexual Relationships & Romance

Queer 101: Ask an Asexual

How Coming Out as Asexual Made Me a More Joyful, Autonomous Person

Video Talk: Being Asexual and Biromantic

Shades of Grayro: Romantic Orientations

Fifth Harmony’s Lauren Jauregui Says She Might Be Demisexual

I'm Demisexual: Here's What I Want You To Know
Zucchini: Short Film

Asexual Dating Challenges

Love Panky: Different Kinds of Romantic Orientations

Reciprosexuality and Reciprioromanticism

Discussion Group: Struggles of Asexuality

Ace and Aro Icons Who Revolutionized How We See Asexuality

The Relationship Epiphany I Had When I Discovered I Was Asexual

Is Asexuality a Disorder?

Asexual Visibility and Education Network

Asexual and Aromantic Slang

Ace - Someone who identifies on the asexual spectrum
Aro - Someone who identifies on the aromantic spectrum
Aro|Ace - Someone who identifies as both aromantic and asexual
Ace of Spades - Someone who identifies as an aromantic asexual
Ace of Hearts - Someone who identifies as a romantic asexual

Asexual Varieties

Among the many varieties of asexual orientation are the following labels: Demisexual, Aegosexual, Aetusexual, Requissexual, Wolandsexual, Parasexual, Cuddliosexual, Graysexual, Placiosexual, Aceflux, Acespike, Acevague, Agensexual, Caedsexual, Fictosexual, Proculaesexual, Sapiosexual, Quoisexual, Iculasexual, Fraysexual, Reciprosexual, Apothisexual, Cupiosexual, Lithrosexual, Akiosexual, Autosexual.

--Demisexual - Term for someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with somebody.

--Lithrosexual/Akiosexual - Term for someone who does feel sexual attraction but does not actually want or need it to be reciprocated.

--Reciprosexual - Someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless they know that the other person is sexually attracted to them first.

--Placiosexual - Someone who feels little to no desire to receive sexual acts but expresses desire to perform them on someone else.

--Fraysexual - Someone who feels sexual attraction to someone after meeting, although the attraction fades as the emotional bond strengthens.

--Cuddliosexual - Someone who only feels sexually attraction to people when cuddling.

--Autosexual - Someone who prefers self-gratification (masturbation) to having sex with another person. Someone who prefers having sex with him/herself.

--Graysexual - Someone who can be defined in fluid area between people who are sexual and people who are not sexual. They might be described as someone who is both sexual and asexusal.

--Cupiosexual - Someone who never experiences sexual attraction, but still desires a sexual relationship. They experience no sexual desire, yet desire a sexual relationship.

--Quoisexual - Someone who doesn't relate to or understand experiences or concepts of sexual attraction and orientation. It can also refer to someone who feels confusion about their own feelings of sexual attraction and orientation.

Let's Talk: The Ace Community

Fifth Harmony’s Lauren Jauregui Says She Might Be Demisexual

I'm Demisexual: Here's What I Want You To Know

Video: ABCs of Asexuality

Asexual and Aromantic Celebrities Paving the Way for Better Representation in Media

Comprehensive Asexual Info and Quiz

Demisexual People Explain What Demisexuality Means to Them

Things I Learned From Dating an Asexual Guy

Here are some additional examples of asexual orientations. Some asexual varieties are more rare or obscure, including some of these labels:

--Inculasexual - Someone who is asexual but is generally or occasionally open to the idea of having sex.

--Aegosexual - Disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal. It may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.

--Fictosexual - Someone whose sexuality is influenced by fictional characters or anyone who is exclusively drawn to fictional characters or a general type of fictional character.

--Sapiosexual - Someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence in other people.

--Apothisexual - Someone who is a sex-repulsed asexual.

--Agensexual - Someone who is a genitalia-repulsed asexual.

Video Talk: Coming Out as Ace

AVEN: Romantic Orientation

Video: Different Types of Asexuality

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation

PBS Video: Asexuality

Ace and Aro Icons Who Revolutionized How We See Asexuality

Psychology Today: Sapiosexuality

Sapiosexual

A sapiosexual person is someone who finds intelligence and the human mind to be the most sexually attractive feature for a potential sexual relationship, often regardless of gender or conventional attractiveness. A sapiosexual is someone that is sexually, physically, and mentally turned on by smart people. Sapiosexuals are aroused by intelligence and aesthetic talents. The origin of the word comes from the term "sapiens," which means wise or judicious.

If you are a sapiposexual person, intelligence, and deep conversation, inspires you and turns you on. When looking for potential partners, intelligence is always at the top of your list. You love debating. Physical attraction is great, but conversation is better. The more you get to know someone, the more attracted to them you are. You hate small talk. You are extremely turned off by foolishness or brutism. You would much rather meet someone in a bookstore than a bar. You are an incredible listener. Bad grammar is one of your biggest turn offs.

And it’s not just about book smarts for you. While most would think that being attracted to intelligence in others refers to their knowledge of topics that are tangible, that’s not the only kind of intelligence that draws you to someone. Instead, you also find emotional intelligence, and self-awareness incredibly sexy. You love when someone is in tune with their feelings, and you admire those who can rationalize and work through situations using their mind. You find that kind of maturity enticing.

Noetisexual, a label used purely for specificity of one's attraction, means that a person is attracted to the way others' minds work rather than simply one ill-defined facet of it (intellect). This label is considered an alternative to the term sapiosexual. Noetisexuals are exclusively sexually (and or romantically) attracted to the shape of another person's mental landscape and want to explore it. It’s about falling in love with the way they think and their unique mental make up. Noetisexuals are unable to bring themselves to feel sexually/romantically attracted to those that do not have a mentality that is up to their standards even if they are physically attractive or if there is an existing emotional bond.

Are You a Sapiosexual?

Cosmopolitan: What it's Like to be Sapiosexual

Sapiosexual vs Noetisexual

Dating Sapiosexuals

Asexuality, Celibacy, Abstinence, Virginity

Celibacy is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons. It is often in association with the role of a religious official or devotee. In its narrow sense, the term celibacy is applied only to those for whom the unmarried state is the result of a sacred vow, act of renunciation, or religious conviction. In a wider sense, it is commonly understood to only mean abstinence from sexual activity.

What's the difference between celibacy and abstinent? While they are often used interchangeably, celibacy, abstinence, and chastity are not exactly the same. Celibacy is generally recognized as a voluntary choice to remain unmarried or engage in any form of sexual activity, usually in order to fulfill a religious vow.

Often confused with chastity, celibacy is an abstinence from sex that is correctly performed on a permanent basis. The Catholic Church defines the only foolproof method of birth control as being "chastity outside of marriage and celibacy within marriage."

What's the difference between celibacy and chastity? Chastity means no sex while you are single. Celibacy means no sex while you are breathing.

Celibacy and asexuality are two different concepts. Celibacy means someone doesn’t have sex. Asexuality means someone doesn’t have sexual attraction.

Asexuality describes an orientation, not behavior. Heterosexuals are attracted to the opposite sex, homosexuals are attracted to the same sex, and asexuals aren’t attracted to any sex. However, it’s possible for someone to have sex with someone they’re not sexually attracted to. Someone can be asexual and still have sex.

Celibacy is about behavior. Someone who is celibate is not having sex by definition, while someone who is asexual doesn't experience sexual attraction, but they may or may not be having sex.

Sexual abstinence or sexual restraint is the practice of refraining from some or all aspects of sexual activity for medical, psychological, legal, social, financial, philosophical, moral, or religious reasons. Asexuality is distinct from sexual abstinence. And celibacy is sexual abstinence generally motivated by factors such as an individual's personal or religious beliefs. Sexual abstinence before marriage is required in some societies by social norms, or, in some countries, even by laws, and is considered part of chastity.

Abstinence may be voluntary (when an individual chooses not to engage in sexual activity due to moral, religious, philosophical reasons), an involuntary result of social circumstances (when one cannot find any willing sexual partners), or legally mandated (in countries where sexual activity outside marriage is illegal or while in prison).

Abstinence is a self-enforced limit in engaging in any bodily activities that are typically related to desire. Most commonly, the term being abstinent refers to sexual abstinence, which means not having any type of sexual intercourse or sex play with a partner.

Virginity is the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. There are cultural and religious traditions that place special value and significance on this state, predominantly towards unmarried females, associated with notions of personal purity, honor and worth.

Like chastity, the concept of virginity has traditionally involved sexual abstinence. The concept of virginity usually involves moral or religious issues and can have consequences in terms of social status and in interpersonal relationships.

The term virgin originally only referred to sexually inexperienced women, but has evolved to encompass a range of definitions, as found in traditional, modern and ethical concepts. Heterosexual individuals may or may not consider loss of virginity to occur only through penile-vaginal penetration, while people of other sexual orientations often include oral sex, anal sex or mutual masturbation in their definitions of losing one's virginity.

Asexuality and Celibacy

Defining Celibacy

Abstinence and Contraception

Video Explanation: Virginity

Defining Sexual Abstinence

Defining Virginity

Virginity

“Virginity, virginity! Where will you go when you’ve left me?”

-Sappho

What is virginity? Virginity is the state of never having had sex. But people define “sex” and “losing virginity” in many different ways.

What does it mean to be a virgin? A virgin is someone who has never had sex. But it’s not quite as simple as it seems. That’s because sex means different things to different people, so virginity can mean different things, too.

A lot of people think that having penis-in-vagina sex for the first time is how you lose your virginity. But this leaves lots of people and other types of sex out of the picture.

Some people haven’t had penis-in-vagina sex, but they’ve had other kinds of sex (oral sex or anal sex) and they may or may not see themselves as virgins. And there are lesbian, gay, bisexual or pansexual people who may never have penis-in-vagina sex at all. But they probably don't see themselves as lifelong virgins just because they haven’t had penis-in-vagina sex.

Many people believe rape and sexual assault aren’t sex. It’s only sex if both partners have consent. So if someone was forced or pressured the first time they had vaginal sex, oral sex, or anal sex, they may not see that as “losing their virginity.”

Bottom line: the definition of virginity is complicated, and it’s really up to you to decide what you believe. Some people don't even care what “virginity” means or think it matters. Stressing about whether you’re a virgin is way less important than how you feel about your sexual experiences. Ask yourself: are you happy with the sexual experiences you've had or decided not to have?

What is Virginity?

Video: Actual Definition of Virgin

Sexplanations: Virginity 101

Healthline: Losing Your Virginity

First Time Sex

Virginity Doesn't Exist

Every time should be special... Not just the first time

Cayce LaCorte, a mother raising five daughters, has a unique parenting tip that some have found to be a healthy approach to teaching children about sex.

She says that virginity is a social construct that comes with a lot of weight. Some people view being a virgin as a good thing, something to be praised or coveted. Others view it as a bad thing, indicating inexperience and not being cool.

“It is a patriarchal concept used to control women and serves no purpose — other than making women feel bad about ourselves,” she explains. “Sex is important. It’s a big deal. It should always be a big deal. It has nothing to do with your first time. The whole concept of the first time is ridiculous.”

LaCorte says that having sex doesn’t change anything about yourself other than the fact that you’ve participated in an activity that you hadn’t before. It does not change your worth or who you are.

She mentions that the concept of virginity is even more damaging to victims of sexual assault. "We all have our own stories about being pressured into doing something we didn’t want to do. We can all empathize,” she says. “For an entire society to tell you that your worth is tied to your virginity or purity, then have someone take that from you?! It’s heartbreaking and infuriating."

LaCorte says teaching girls that their first time should be special takes away from the fact that every time should be special.

"The purity culture is toxic at its core," she points out. "Women are treated vastly different than men because its roots are steeped in a history of women being regarded as property. Can you imagine what the world would look like if society put half as much effort into making the world a safer place for women, instead of worrying that she’s not a virgin for her husband?”

She says that there are far more important things in life than whether or not you are a virgin. Let’s focus on properly educating our children on sex, consent, and self-worth instead of teaching them to judge themselves based on something that isn’t even real. Virginity doesn’t exist, but a healthy relationship with sex does.

[Cayce LaCorte, Mother to five daughters, Charleston, South Carolina]

Asexuality and Celibacy

Defining Celibacy

Abstinence and Contraception

Video Explanation: Virginity

Defining Sexual Abstinence

Defining Virginity

Relationships, Squishes, and Zucchini

Being in a relationship does not necessarily imply that there is romance. The asexual community (including aromantics) separates sexual and romantic orientation.

There is such a thing as non-romantic loving relationships. Most people would agree that family is kind of non-romantic loving relationship, especially from the mother to the children, but friendship and companionship may be more important than romantic partnership even for some romantic people.

Not only is love not exclusive of romance, but even infatuation. For the latter, the asexual community coined the term “squish” to refer to an asexual aromantic crush. And they recently coined the term “zucchini” to refer to an aromantic platonic relationship.

Zucchini: Short Film

Asexual People Explain What Asexuality Means to Them

PBS Interview: Asexuality

People Who Don't Want to Fall in Love

Psychology Today: Gay Men and Straight Men as Friends

Queer Friendships: Platonic and Romantic

We're Not Gay: We're Besties

What Is a Platonic Relationship

Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation

Queerplatonic Relationships

A queerplatonic relationship (QPR) is one which is more intense and intimate than what most people regard as a friendship, not fitting the traditional romantic couple model. It is characterized by a strong bond, love, and emotional commitment, yet is not perceived by those involved as romantic or more than a friendship. Being a so-called platonic relationship, it does not comprehend sexuality/eroticism or exclusivity nor it is this what the relationship is organized around. It is defined by the intensity and significance of the emotional connection.

The people involved do not have to identify as queer. It is a type of relationship experienced by and available to anybody regardless of their sexual orientation, romantic orientation, or monogamy. The people involved in a queerplatonic relationship may consider themselves partners, life-partners, a couple, a triad, or any other term that implies the relationship is meaningful, committed and intimate. Because queerplatonic relationships are not based on exclusivity, a participant of the relationship may have multiple QPPs and exclusive relationships (romantic or sexual) with a third party not involved in the QR.

Queerplatonic partners (QPs or QPPs) are sometimes referred to as "zucchini.” This was originally a joke within the aromantic asexual community, underscoring the lack of words in mainstream relationship discourse to signify meaningful relationships that do not follow the standard and expected sexual/romantic norms, and frustration with the erasure of other kinds of intimacy, which were perceived as equally valuable to the sexual/romantic model.

Due to the controversy surrounding the reclamation of "queer", an alternative to queerplatonic is "quasiplatonic" or "quirkyplatonic".

In some situations the people involved can show physical affection such as cheek kisses, pecks on the lips, holding hands, sitting on each other's lap, seeing each other naked, cuddling and literally sleeping together. To QPPs, these activities are not necessarily romantic nor sexual/erotic.

Autosexual

The term "autosexual" is associated with the act of masturbation or the person engaged in it. An autosexual is a person who has sex with himself or herself. An autosexual is one who is intimate with, aroused by, or causes arousal to, his or her own body.

An autosexual is someone who has sexual attraction to oneself, especially a preference for masturbation over sexual intercourse. Experiencing romantic feelings towards oneself is called "autoromantic." Masturbation is an autosexual activity. The word autosexual (along with a parallel term, "autoeroticism") is found by the early 1900s as a term for sexual self-stimulation, specifically masturbation. In 1869, Karl-Maria Kertbeny referred to people who only masturbate and don't engage in sexual contact with others as "monosexual."

Video Talk: Coming Out as Ace

Asexual Visibility and Education Network

Let's Talk: The Ace Community

How Coming Out as Asexual Made Me a More Joyful, Autonomous Person

Asexuality: Sex Education Clip

Discussion Group: Struggles of Asexuality

Video Talk: Things Asexual People Want You to Know

Asexual People Explain What Asexuality Means to Them